suddenly remember being an emo teenager listening to that song fer sure excited to get out of small town to live a life of debauchery
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but at the same time it's not something you want to recommend to anyone, like, oh yea fuck your whole life up and if you manage to hit...
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...rock bottom and then make it out again and also not die you'll have a ton of great stories and give no fucks
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like you'll never have any regrets about missing out but that doesn't mean it's advisable
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there is probably a common model for general hardship here. "it made me who I am and I draw on it constantly but wouldn't wish it on anyone"
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also easy to romanticize in hindsight as I am doing now but you don't get to narrativize an exciting backstory if it fucks you up for good
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still, hard not to look at those who always lived normal, stressing over trivialities, doing what they're supposed to, and not feel powerful
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sometimes I feel self-conscious about fact that I am a decade behind where I could be on computers/math but in all I wouldn't change a thing
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like i really felt that strongly but i was/am too autistic to ever fit in right with ppl like that
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I'm pretty spergy and only really managed via brute force and very large sample size
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I tend to analogize how I navigate social interactions with normies to how computers "play" chess, I just know what to do/say...
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...based on what types of things tend to have worked well in past interactions. wasn't until I made irl aspie friends I knew...
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...there were ppl I didn't have to do this with or intuited that most people didn't have to do this lol. it takes a lot of effort
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wait so you were down & out with the aspies? do aspies do this??
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I mean that chess-computer is how I navigated woo party cool kid circles but didn't realize how much cognitive effort it took...
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...to do this until later when I started to meet aspie computer people
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