...who nonetheless quietly fear that someday their lives will be brought down by an accusation of sexual violence. And this is a huge problem. [5/x]
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But rather, the kind of men who will cross the street so as not to walk behind a woman at night because they are aware she may perceive it as threatening, and worry that misreading signals on a date and going in for a kiss only to be rebuffed... [16/x]
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...has been experienced as (and will therefore, at some point, be called out as) sexual violence. [17/x]
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(The crucial distinction here, I think, is that the men I am talking about are aware of their capacity to harm and are concerned as much by the potential they may have done harm as by the consequences that may befall them.) [18/x]
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So there are a few things going on here. The first, and probably the most concerning, entails what I think is a fundamental misunderstanding of what sexual violence *is*. [19/x]
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And once again, this comes back to a really toxic cultural dialogue around sexual predators and their accusers. [20/x]
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Because a favourite defense of sexual predators is "that's not how I perceived it but I'm sorry you were hurt". [21/x]
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This is really significant because - particularly when it comes from predators who are linked with progressive ideology - it creates a rhetorical opening for one to have done harm without realising it. [22/x]
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And for those of us who aspire to inclusion and ascribe to leftist ideals, this is not a foreign idea. We know that we absolutely can do harm thoughtlessly, when we act without being critical of our own privilege. [23/x]
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But where the problem comes in is that this is never (at least not in any cases I've read) what is being described when people come forward with accusations of sexual violence. [24/x]
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When people come forward with specific reports of being sexually victimised, what they describe is never "X misread my signals & it was awkward & annoying & he probably should have been more aware of seeking active consent before leaning in for that kiss & that was that". [25/x]
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When someone comes forward with a specific accusation, they are invariably describing a situation that has involved repeated violation of boundaries. [26/x]
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If you violate someone's boundaries once, that's (maybe) a (probably asinine) mistake. It's embarrassing for you, and shitty for whoever's boundaries you violated, and you learn to be more aware, and you move on. [27/x]
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If you continue to violate someone's boundaries after they've failed to give enthusiastic consent, you're a sexual predator. Full stop. [28/x]
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No one reports the shitty asinine mistake - and the fear that they will circles back to the same beliefs and misunderstandings that underlie the "false accusation" trope. [29/x]
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Because to believe that someone will report the shitty asinine mistake is to ignore the way in which society is structured against the reporting of sexual violence by victims. [30/x]
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To report sexual violence - and particularly to make a specific accusation - requires bravery and substantial impetus. [31/x]
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Because you go into it knowing you will not be believed, you will be gaslit, you will be blamed. You. Do. Not. Do. That. Lightly. [32/x]
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If you don't want to be accused of sexual violence, don't be sexually violent. If you've misread signals from people in the past, learn from that and don't do it again. [33/x]
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Critically examine how rape culture has tacitly informed your emotional responses to discussions of sexual violence. Believe victims. [34/34]
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End of conversation
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