I think we learn about other planets too young. They should keep it from us until we’re like, 16. Then be like, “guess the fuck what.”
Follow
Ariana Lenarsky
@aardvarsk
Ariana Lenarsky’s Tweets
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
dating a very social person in their 30s is like starting a show in its 20th season with 125 characters and 3,000 storyarcs to learn
Shitty airline travel is the absolute pinnacle of humanity to me. We found a way to soar through the high untrespassed sanctity of space and also found a way to make it suck the whole time. Absolutely iconic work by the species.
my dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way" then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am
jesus this song is good (plays it 400 times in a row until all the emotion is squeezed from it forever) that's better. now. who else wants to try to make me feel something
people love Carol of the Bells because it sounds like being in a safe nightmare
There are so many ways to call someone an idiot. In the south, you say “bless their heart.” In LA you say “they’re on their own journey.” And on the east coast you scream “idiot” at them until a vein bursts in your neck
i can hear my neighbor playing Landslide upstairs. it's ok girl we are in this together
Huuuuge congrats to anyone doing anything when, more than ever, doing something sucks. Also big big shout-out to people doing nothing.
Same guy who wrote the song “Pure Imagination” from Willy Wonka is the same guy who wrote Nina Simone’s banger “Feeling Good.” And he ALSO wrote “Goooooldfingerrrr....” from James Bond. His name was Leslie Bricusse (BRICK-us), he passed away yesterday at the age of 90. RIP king.
This is the official Length of times:
2010-2014 - a decade
2015 - five years
2016 - hasn’t ended
2017-2019 - not possible to be quantified in years, not sure how you would even think that years would be a helpful way to think about them
People ask why Americans are so friendly. It's simple: if we don't have enough friends to crowdfund for us when we get sick, we'll die
How can I share this... the celine dion song "it's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now" was written by Jim Steinman, who died today. Usually he wrote for Meat Loaf. He played that song for Loaf and Loaf WEPT and said i HAVE to sing it. Jim said NO. it's for a woman
Got all ready to bingewatch seinfeld from the beginning because I thought it "wouldn't hurt me." Here's the opening of the pilot
When you eat pineapple, it also eats you. It has an enzyme that digests protein i.e. your tongue and mouth. If you left it in your mouth you’d start bleeding. You don’t even need to look this up bc I know you feel how true it is down to your bones.
Replying to
You can't grab women on a plane, guy. You can't do it. Hope you get the help you need.
What did it mean when we were into Dane Cook so much? What did we want
i don't understand, beautiful women luring you with music toward an island has always worked out well in the past
“Drive” by Incubus came on and I opened my mouth to say “this song still really speaks to me sometimes” right as my friend said “boy this is really one degree away from Christian rock”
I REALLY LOVE THAT IT'S NOT WINTER ANYMORE! WINTER SUCKED!! RECEDE FROM ME FOREVER BITCH! THE COLD GRIP OF NIGHT IS OVER! ALL HAIL THE LIGHT KING! ALL HAIL THE SUN! ALL HAIL THE LIGHT KING! ALL HAIL THE SUN!!!!!
. I can't believe anything still surprises me, but why the fuck am I seeing nazi ads on this website
On this VERY NIGHT in 1975, the Nuggets hired a WITCH NAMED ROBERTA to curse the Pacers during game 5 of the 1975 ABA Western Division Finals. It absolutely did not work and the Nuggets lost big time. Please god someone help me find this woman.
Replying to
Venus is really going off right now in the sky by the way
As tax season wraps up, never forget Joan Rivers wrote off her beautiful new dress and when the IRS challenged her on it she said “of course it’s only for stand-up. It’s so tight I can’t sit down! and demonstrated she couldn’t sit down in it and they had to let her write it off
I asked the barista to put $3 toward the next person’s drink on my card, but he said he didn’t know how to do that, which was great because I got to feel like a good person without actually having to do anything.
Best airplane neighbors:
Sleepy teen with headphones on
Prim business lady with kindle
Dog in a bag in a lap
Old ladies who have their text font cranked up to 30 and text drama the whole ride
Walked by an enclosed patio as a woman’s voice yelled “Full moon is in the HOUSE! Donald Trump has COVID! It’s Krystal’s BIRTHDAY!” And some people cheered
Replying to
I’m back on board because I just realized any TV show book movie or video game involving a planet would be considered adult content lmfao
Replying to
I'm actually changing my mind, this would make me really mad.
Do not look directly at the eclipse. I will explain later. Long story short it is the sun.
Replying to
I'm allowed to know about the planets for my whole life
I got really high before a murder mystery party where you have to dress up and just found out my role is the P.I. who has to solve the case
I see a man throwing starfish into the sea. I say "you'll never save them all." He throws another and says, "I saved that one." We lock eyes. I yell and run at him. I dive at his legs but he flips over me. we both tumble head over heels kicking a bunch of starfish up into the air
Dating a smart girl is like dating a detective who is on the case of why you suck.
Your twenties are about letting approx 3 people see how insane you are and then making up for it for the rest of your life
I’m sad little Richard died. I had a bad date once where the guy said little Richard was dead. I said no, he’s not dead. He was like yes, he for sure is. I was like no he for sure isnt, 100% not dead. We were annoyed. It was tense. I know we’re both thinking of each other today.
Replying to
The Celine version never reached #1 in the United States because it had to compete with The Macarena. Music history is some of the greatest stuff out there I swear to god
If you don’t like the way a situation is going, say “ew” in a hot teenage girl voice no matter your age or sex. There is no higher rank to pull and everyone around you will be triggered into a confused submission.
tween (explaining seriously): its called "family" because ur not my "fam" unless "ily."
me (nodding and thinking about a donut) I see.
Replying to
Police said they would "give him a talking to"& "it's not the crime of the century." True! I'm going to tweet his picture now since it's nbd
I always thought dating someone hot would solve all my problems. Well it turns out i was right
Me showing up to a wedding in a wedding dress
Quote Tweet
Kyrie said “this is the last thing I wanted to create, was more hoopla and more distractions.” twitter.com/AdamZagoria/st…
If someone asks you a question they could easily Google, be gentle with them. They are in love with you. They have no other way to show you.
some other greatest hits of men are:
- being afraid of pink, an entire color
- being afraid to cry, the first thing we do as humans on the earth
- being afraid of falling in love with men, the thing that they are
Quote Tweet
"Other research shows that American men find environmentalism to be inherently feminine and therefore emasculating, and view being deliberately anti-environmental as a way to feel more masculine."
salon.com/2019/08/30/mis
tired: being a part of a major historical event
wired: being a part of several major historical events
Quote Tweet
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
First the island. Then the hologram. There has to be a third thing. what is the third thing going to be. If we figure this out we can stop the civil war in time. I know we can do this
How the hell can a person go to work in the morning and come home in the evening and have nothing to say?
If you’re homeschooled and I bring up something like “grapefruit”, you’ll either blush and say “when I was 13, I discovered that very same variety of grapefruit in Guam with my pet falcon,” or say “What is a grapefruit?” No in-between, and no way to know which way it’ll go.
I feel like the Y2K hysteria hit me right at an age where I can never feel worried whenever the news warns me something big is going to happen and 9/11 came afterward to solidify that disaster will always come out of nowhere. This isn’t the truth but just embedded in my mythology
Replying to
Things that shouldn't suck but we, as humans, found a way:
- flying through the air
- communicating anything with anyone, anywhere, at any time
- eating/sleeping (didn't even have to invent this one to ruin it!)
look at this car stopped dead in traffic as its texting driver looks up innocently like "for WHOM the horn honks??" it honks for thee bitch
“Do horrors await me?” - My first thought when I receive any kind of message
I'd say the two things people understand the least about themselves is how loved they are and how much damage they cause by not believing it
Always remember
And never forget
That Paul George’s parents’ names
Are Paul and Paulette.
The time change always reminds me how much unnecessary red tape exists. Paid maternity leave is too hard, but altering the fabric of reality is easy? Let’s use those powers for good, time bender
I hate "pussy grabs back." Pussy doesn't grab back. My hand grabs back. Grabs your collar so my other hand can punch you in the fuckin face
When you hook "lol" onto the end of a sentence, it acts like a flotation device so the sentence doesn't sink into sadness lol
Replying to
Anyway let's listen to this song and pour one out for Jim. He also wrote Total Eclipse of the Heart! youtube.com/watch?v=j8fHNd
The other day at work a man shared a story so vulnerable and uplifting he began to cry, and i began to cry, and as I did I looked down and saw he had a full tattoo leg sleeve of Johnny Depp as Captain Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean
Replying to
I also love that Jim Steinman was like, "I'm going to write a song about Wuthering Heights that puts Kate Bush to shame... she doesn't know DARKNESS" and then writes the most Andrew Lloyd Webber shit ever. Literally the dancers from Cats were in the original music video!
When British people see the word mom how does it make them feel? Because when we see “mum” we secretly lose our shit and picture the 1700s
Replying to
this threw Meat Loaf into a rage... he claimed the song was about him and Jim. The two men definitely did have a super 'mysterious' relationship, also Jim "never found love" in his own life (bc he loved meat loaf)
The best I ever felt on a date was when someone told me “Today I met a man named Pat who owns a company called Tap.” I replied “How apt.” We both smiled. Didn’t have a second date and they ended up dating my friend but I felt really really good about myself for like three weeks.
My brother is trying to get us Italian citizenship and just found my great-grandmothers Sicilian baptismal records which will likely do the trick. It had her birth time on it so I decided to be helpful and do her astrological chart. Looks like she was a huge bitch.
once vaccinated i am sincerely so excited to re-meet everyone i know and get acquainted with their new personalities
When an acquaintance starts casually talkin shit about someone you hate out of the blue...that’s the good stuff
Replying to
Jim filed legal paperwork so Meat Loaf wouldn't sing it. Meat Loaf eventually recorded it in 1996 after stubbornly waiting out the legal stuff. It went #1 in Norway lol
Replying to
Before Celine sang it, Steinman stuck the song on a concept album for an all-female group called Pandora's Box. He made Elaine Caswell sing it and it was so intense for her she collapsed five times during its recording. I bet this infuriated Meat Loaf
Every dog is a celebrity and what’s great is they don’t even know they’re famous
There was a girl so chill in college we hung out for an entire year and i don’t remember her name. She may not have had one
Some guy grabbed & stroked my calf (??) as I walked by on the plane, so I took his picture. Not gonna post it, but I hope he's freaked out.
Replying to
Police took him off the plane. I'm still here & they're taking my & another woman's report. The legal term for how he grabbed me is battery.
And the cat’s in the cradle and the scrambled eggs
Toni Collette is like if Shelley Duvall realized she could kill Stanley Kubrick
Everything right now is like “When offered the good thing or the bad thing, the people chose the bad thing. Then, something bad happened. ‘We never thought by choosing something bad, something bad would happen,’ one man reported sadly.”
The Griffith observatory is great because it’s run by nerds who have no agenda other than to be right. One proudly announced to a whole crowd of tourists “this is a terrible place to look at space. There are too many lights. You should go somewhere else.”
To whoever needs to hear this right now........... surf’s up dude 😎
I love Bol Bol like a son. His name is Bol Bol, he’s 7’2, and he dressed up like Jack Skellington only to be disrespected by everyone except who but the Nuggets who once hired a witch. I bless it. Welcome home Bol Bol. You are safe here
when u have a lot of regrets but decide life is ultimately still worth living
The amount of crying babies do is the amount of crying every human should do every day. Everyone should be comforting each other and no one should be going to work unless crying is encouraged there. This is the only way to bring society to the standstill it so desperately needs.
I know I’m unfixably corrupted by capitalism because there are times I genuinely believe the only thing between me and being lovable is the right skincare
Replying to
“Ignoring boundaries, Steinman’s credo was “If you don’t go over the top, you can’t see what’s on the other side.”” Long Island excellence.
Went with J to get him vaccinated at CVS. You don’t even go into a room. You line up next to the lipsticks, they sit you down next to the barrettes and they stick you. “This is wack,” I announced. But then “How Bizarre” by OMC came on over the loudspeaker, so we all sang along.
Every woman should aim to try to take up as much space as the song Hotel California
Whyyy are you all choosing to watch marriage story... starring the fucking ciphers of our age.. go put on a coat and walk into a field if you want to feel something simple
i wish when people got defensive they would start spouting "Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt" so you could recognize it as placeholder text for the present moment instead of taking it personally
A year ago my friend sent me a pic of a cute dog who lives in her building. So cute I posted it. A random girl replied “that dog lives in my building!” I told my friend, they met up and became best of friends. Now we’re all going to a baseball game together. Does this make sense
