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the latter leads to a desire to understand others and builds empathy it is dysfunctional when the desire to belong is so great that it contorts itself into self-delusion & supports the self-delusion of others

"this doesn't make sense to me" and "I don't make sense to others" are two sides of the same coin they are both driven by "i want things to MAKE SENSE"

however one strives to adapt to the world while the other strives to adapt the world to the self. the latter is dysfunctional since it requires massive amounts of energy to distort social and physical reality.

it only makes sense when it is driven by an idea of a "true self". since that true self can't be changed since it is True, the ONLY logical option left is to contort the world (similar to carol dweck's growth/fixed mindset)

thus ironically the more one strives to force the world into legibility, the more contorted the sense of self becomes because the contorted reality is now projecting a distortion like trying to bottle a whirlpool or sunlight. it just bottles disappointment

one attempt at capturing the true self comes in the form of jung's "eating the shadow" aside from the tropey "excuse to be an asshole", the wrong dissatisfaction can also result in eating someone ELSE'S shadow instead of your own

the friendzoned-incel stereotype is an example of mutual shadow face stuffing the friend believes he is approaching inner sanctums of female sexuality "omg she's talking about sex, periods, and FEELINGS with me, i'm so manly" while actually distancing himself from his real goal

she believes she is just being nice but is actually grooming him to be a missing surrogate father/therapist/priest figure they think they are growing in understanding of each other but they are actually just sharing shadow snacks