A person whose true feelings have been denied will engage in a constant struggle to “feel” the reality of their existence
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The upside of this mess: In order to survive, those children learn early on that they will have to rely on themselves, and meld their emotional reality with their intellectual reality and become very creative thinkers.
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The sense of self is thus dependent on other people for its survival. Specialness is inherently unstable as it is only recognized by others.
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The child growing up in an abusive environment is forced to live IN the thoughts of others and not have a life of their own.
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In order to feel good about themselves they have a compulsion to collect achievement badges that allow outside confirmation of their importance (which they’ve always felt). These external achievements can become so important that they interfere with the achievement itself
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This is ultimately what makes addicts so frustrated in love relationships – they want someone who is capable of completely filling them up with their perfect love and devotion but they themselves can never feel truly satisfied by another person
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They are never sure if they deserve love or not due to the feelings of unworthiness engendered by their experiences in childhood. Consequently, they become dependent on external validation of their existence as a person. (And here is the great irony because….)
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Getting external validation doesn’t make one feel loved! It only makes one feel as if one were more valuable than others & then one feels superior but not Loved! That sense of superiority can even be an uncomfortable feeling for some people so they seek out ways to get rid of it!
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Some people may also seek out sexual attention (not necessarily for sex but for physical contact) as a way to have their existence affirmed or unconditionally validated by another human being.
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Rejection and criticism from others at any level can trigger an emotional response that is no different than rejection by a mate or parent. To feel unworthy of love is to feel so badly that one can become desperate for affirmation and approval (from those who are “superior”)
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End of conversation
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