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Z: It's so frustrating.. the mind is trying to find the concept to erase and can't find the concept. Bloody fucking watermelon. The mind won't let go. E: Don't wait for anything special. Nothing will change When you realized that Santa doesn't exist, did anything change?

E: Sad feelings may have come and went but everything stayed the same. What changed was u never had the 'seeking presents under the tree' or 'what if I'm not good enough for presents' anxiety every again. Look at "I", how it grabs everything.

Z: Yes.. the "I" feels like it's fading. E: It doesn't NEED to FADE! It's not about fading, it's about it being a FICTION. The strength of the fiction is irrelevant. Look at "I", what is there?

Z: Tried sth different this time. Relaxing and playing w/ ideas rather than forcing acceptance. Felt spaciousness and expansion. "I" felt like a parasite that wanted to attach to everything in existence. E: Is there a 'you' living life?

Z: No, just life living itself. What drives it? I don't know. It just arises. E: Now you can stop striving for what you see doesn't exist. Z: So simple! *Bound by futile struggle to be deserving enough to be god.

13/ Christie(C) C: Husband and I started reading Jed McKenna. He then tells me he needs to go into a dark place and that I need to move out... I: Yeah... I've read Jed's books. They can bring a lot of darkness. Great no-nonsense spirituality but strong nihilism & darkness.

I: There's not need for that. Let's look at the center of the illusion and rip out the core. The rest will unfold naturally and painlessly. C: Sounds much better than autolysis. I: Let's go. There is no 'self' yes?

C: I believe so. but I get sucked into drama and heartbreak all the time. Can't make it stick, need to make sure to have roof over head, food, money, I can't just 'surrender'. I: Don't believe. See. What do you see when you think about "no self"?

C: I see fear, but also some relief. Can't stay in relief though. I: Good, let's look at resistance. Fear protects, but if there's no self, then nothing to protect. The body is real, needs protection. As is the mind. But self? No, not real.

I: Look into fear again. Not the details, but the phenomenon itself. Ask what it's protecting. See how perfectly it guards something. Honor it. What is behind it? C: Yeah.. fear... you know tbh, I've been thinking of suicide quite a bit these few weeks. Even wrote some letters.

I: You don't need to die. What dies is illusion. It may feel like the end of the world but only for the self. The tooth fairy didn't 'die' when you found out it wasn't real. Don't give up Ok? You don' t have to fear fear, it's here to protect. Bring it closer.

C: I took a closer look. It's not fear of death but fear of meaninglessness. That my life has no value, purpose, and has been for nth. I: Meaninglessness... look - life isn't the illusion, self is. Life sometimes has meaning, sometimes doesn't. But self never does.

C: What my husband did prevents me from accept that "everything is as it should be." I: The point isn't that is you reallly believe sth that it'll be ok. Only children do that. The point is that all this stuff, nasty stuff included, isn't happening to anyone.

I: Now let's look at thoughts. See how they arise and fall within your field of consciousness? How the mind is a labelling machine? What do you see? C: I feel like a puppet. reminds me that you can't be proud of the hand that paints the art

I: Yes, we are brushes, not artists. How can a brush be proud? There is no you to feel a puppet. Look at everything. How can there be a director? C: sth is holding on. was hoping for relief to come with seeing. No "me", but still pain. How can this be?

I: The story is *real*. It is real fiction, real tragedy, real suffering. But who is the sufferer? C: feel crazy.. seeing a therapist... I: good to ask for help. let w/e comes up be ok. holding on only creates suffering.

C: feeling lighter today, ty for being w/ me. suffering is more detached. there's a definite shift. Spend some time listening to Eckhart Tolle to soothe myself. Surrender is so hard to maintain. I: notice how surrender is happening by itself.

C: * I am the divine, I am the source * I: Starting to unravel... but what would happen if there were no "you"? C: yes.. as a part of Source if there were no "me" nothing would change... everything is as it is.

I: congrats : ) *Bound by desire to make sense of of senseless tragedy and suffering.

14/ Richard (R) R: My Theravada teacher has confirmed that I have attained Stream Entry. Why still dissatisfaction? E: Explain what was confirmed in simple language? R: I am mist and stuff.

E: there can be very high states that can operate in field of self. I'd define stream entry as seeing self as illusion. Sure your experience was transformational, but still, keep looking. R: I accept self as just a thought buy y does it keep arising?

E: The word 'accept' is not so good, it is not box to tick and agree. Do no accept. See for yourself. When driving, no driver. When breathing, no breather. Yes or no? R: yea but why 'things just happen' => 'no self'?

E: A unity state is not permanent. You can cultivate flow yes, but only in a sustainable way once you've seen the illusion that flow is broken by self. Striving for unity states causes self to come back w/ more conviction, more specialness, more spirituality.

R: I'm so silly.. ofc I'm not free. E: And you never will be. There is no "I' to free, but freedom can happen. R: Some things r happening, keeping telling me that there's no me. E: No reminder necessary. Dragged out of movie theater => won't ever believe movie is real life.

R: Tough day today. Zeal, anxiety, fear, sense of wanting it to end, all classical insight stages. E: Self is tricky. Don't gauge freedom by amount of labelling mind does. Point is not to stop the labelling but that they're not stuck TO anything.

R: Can't find self, but still sense of me controlling thing. E: Break it down. R: Was going through dark stages of insight and used familiar techniques to break through them. E: Yo wtf. Give me your honest answer, don't do your familiar shit.

R: okey i'll stop the equanimity techniques. E: You think liberation is dropping of identification. Not possible. That's mind's job. It's seeing that all this identification is fictional. Drop you caricature expectations. Tell me honestly wut u know bout liberation.

R: Liberation is like being a ghost seeing other people like ghosts. E: That's acting dead. Ur problem is u escape into this thick dharma self. A really clever, deep, wise one. Look at it closely. What do you see?

R: One doubt is I'm agreeing about 'no me' b/c it's too difficult to find me. I know I can't see myself w/o a mirror but I still feel and 'know' I exist so I keep searching. E: Release the struggle. Batman not real. Easy to find a thought of Batman. Real batman? Impossible.

E: Look seriously. Stop comparing to ur dharmic knowledge. Just look, like you're five years old. Drop all the bullshit ideas of enlightenment. It's like a massive weight on your neck. R: Feel uneasy... I realize there is another option