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C: I was thinking about why "I" got stuck on feelings despite no me. I realized it's just a program. I'm worried that "I" will re-appear though. I: No worries, you can't re-believe in Santa Claus right? The rest of the illusions will start falling now. Relax and let it sink in.

*Bound by belief that a new world would completely replace the old world.

12/ Elizabeth(Z) Z: Seeking for 40yrs, I can still smell the 'stink' of wrongness. E: Let's go, tell me more.

Z: I gave up so much and burned so many bridges for this seeking. I found Jed McKenna and Advaita but I'm still burning for release. I can't stand this game of being human. The stink of wrongness is intense. E: Where is the "you" in this story?

Z: It's just memories, my brain, habits, fear, survival, instincts, etc... I almost want a 'me' in there to be special. E: who owns these memories, brain, etc... ? All this stuff exists. It's just 'you' that doesn't. Take a look, is it true?

E: You want a 'me' to be unique? uniqueness won't go away, every flavor of existence is unique. ur hanging on b/c you think u will lose sth right? Z: I fear existence will destabilize w/o 'Elizabeth'. No specialness, no grand dreams, just emptiness... E: Is there 'you'?

Z: I want to understand the soul, the divine spark that animates everything... there must be something.. E: There is Life. There is nth. to lose here or reject. Everything that is there will remain there, only the illusion of owner will fade.

Z: I want to be Oneness... I don't want to disappear. E: You will not disappear, you never were in the first place. You won't lose anything, there never was a you.

Z: * fights bloody battle w/ self * E: Great fight, but ur vast knowledge of how it should be is what's making it so strong. Ignore Jed, he's a jerk who convinced a whole bunch of people they have to stand and fight. fight what? there's nothing to fight.

E: Nothing to lose, nothing to fight. Look at a chicken. Is there self in a chicken? The chicken has no soul but you think "you" should? That's what "YOU" want! Self wants self to exist? Doesn't. Make. Sense. 'chicken' is just a pointer to activity. what does "I" point to?

Z: Yeah, agree about Jed McKenna. Very macho interpretation. Hmm... chickens don't think they need to be something other than what it is. Brain size shouldn't change this. "I" is a pointer to a misguided belief in a broken off piece of Life. I will follow this line of thought.

E: "I am going to follow this" really? "you"? Drop the belief that this is hard & needs to be fought. Is the chicken fighting to be part of reality? Fighting is self fighting to be taken as real.

E: Say I give u a watermelon. Do it now, hold the huge watermelon right between ur hands. Now I ask, how do you get rid of it? You can't. There's nothing there. "How do I get rid of self?" is the same dumb question.

Z: Suddenly had a feeling that "Elizabeth" is just a lie. I actually *saw* that there was no "I". Was that it? E: Keep going! Z: Ahh... all the big thoughts I had about enlightenment were getting in the way. All that fancy reading...

E: Is there a 'you'? Z: Feels like Elizabeth exists but w/ no attachments. A lighter existence. E: Lighter Elizabeth or no Elizabeth? Find out.

Z: Have been busy w/ life... will need to fin some spare time, must keep going. E: Take care of your life and look while living. No need to take yourself away. There's nowhere to run from truth. Look for "I" and see that it's a watermelon.

Z: This sounds odd but I really do understand. I can taste it but not bring it in. But I will continue on this path. Thank you for ur time. E: NO. Not one day, NOW. Do. Not. Leave. Write to me once a day okay? It's not linear. You will never figure it out if you leave.

Z: It's so frustrating.. the mind is trying to find the concept to erase and can't find the concept. Bloody fucking watermelon. The mind won't let go. E: Don't wait for anything special. Nothing will change When you realized that Santa doesn't exist, did anything change?

E: Sad feelings may have come and went but everything stayed the same. What changed was u never had the 'seeking presents under the tree' or 'what if I'm not good enough for presents' anxiety every again. Look at "I", how it grabs everything.

Z: Yes.. the "I" feels like it's fading. E: It doesn't NEED to FADE! It's not about fading, it's about it being a FICTION. The strength of the fiction is irrelevant. Look at "I", what is there?

Z: Tried sth different this time. Relaxing and playing w/ ideas rather than forcing acceptance. Felt spaciousness and expansion. "I" felt like a parasite that wanted to attach to everything in existence. E: Is there a 'you' living life?

Z: No, just life living itself. What drives it? I don't know. It just arises. E: Now you can stop striving for what you see doesn't exist. Z: So simple! *Bound by futile struggle to be deserving enough to be god.

13/ Christie(C) C: Husband and I started reading Jed McKenna. He then tells me he needs to go into a dark place and that I need to move out... I: Yeah... I've read Jed's books. They can bring a lot of darkness. Great no-nonsense spirituality but strong nihilism & darkness.

I: There's not need for that. Let's look at the center of the illusion and rip out the core. The rest will unfold naturally and painlessly. C: Sounds much better than autolysis. I: Let's go. There is no 'self' yes?

C: I believe so. but I get sucked into drama and heartbreak all the time. Can't make it stick, need to make sure to have roof over head, food, money, I can't just 'surrender'. I: Don't believe. See. What do you see when you think about "no self"?

C: I see fear, but also some relief. Can't stay in relief though. I: Good, let's look at resistance. Fear protects, but if there's no self, then nothing to protect. The body is real, needs protection. As is the mind. But self? No, not real.

I: Look into fear again. Not the details, but the phenomenon itself. Ask what it's protecting. See how perfectly it guards something. Honor it. What is behind it? C: Yeah.. fear... you know tbh, I've been thinking of suicide quite a bit these few weeks. Even wrote some letters.

I: You don't need to die. What dies is illusion. It may feel like the end of the world but only for the self. The tooth fairy didn't 'die' when you found out it wasn't real. Don't give up Ok? You don' t have to fear fear, it's here to protect. Bring it closer.

C: I took a closer look. It's not fear of death but fear of meaninglessness. That my life has no value, purpose, and has been for nth. I: Meaninglessness... look - life isn't the illusion, self is. Life sometimes has meaning, sometimes doesn't. But self never does.

C: What my husband did prevents me from accept that "everything is as it should be." I: The point isn't that is you reallly believe sth that it'll be ok. Only children do that. The point is that all this stuff, nasty stuff included, isn't happening to anyone.