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I: Sit with it, let it be there. Let me know when you make peace w/ it. C: I continue to drown in emotions. I can't maintain "no I" I: Well duh. It's not a belief to convince urself of and then maintain. It's clear seeing & then nth left to maintain.

C: The no-soul idea feels so wrong, especially in Islam. Though I can see now that thoughts just arise w/o a 'me'. I: Nothing here challenges Islam. Not looking for a new belief, just looking for truth. There could be a soul, I dunno, the point is "you" don't own it.

C: I see. The "I" is like digesting my food, it is just happening. It's like an operating system, encountered everywhere so thought to be identity. The world feels a bit different, but not a huge shift in consciousness. I: yes ur doing it! what happened?

C: I was thinking about why "I" got stuck on feelings despite no me. I realized it's just a program. I'm worried that "I" will re-appear though. I: No worries, you can't re-believe in Santa Claus right? The rest of the illusions will start falling now. Relax and let it sink in.

*Bound by belief that a new world would completely replace the old world.

12/ Elizabeth(Z) Z: Seeking for 40yrs, I can still smell the 'stink' of wrongness. E: Let's go, tell me more.

Z: I gave up so much and burned so many bridges for this seeking. I found Jed McKenna and Advaita but I'm still burning for release. I can't stand this game of being human. The stink of wrongness is intense. E: Where is the "you" in this story?

Z: It's just memories, my brain, habits, fear, survival, instincts, etc... I almost want a 'me' in there to be special. E: who owns these memories, brain, etc... ? All this stuff exists. It's just 'you' that doesn't. Take a look, is it true?

E: You want a 'me' to be unique? uniqueness won't go away, every flavor of existence is unique. ur hanging on b/c you think u will lose sth right? Z: I fear existence will destabilize w/o 'Elizabeth'. No specialness, no grand dreams, just emptiness... E: Is there 'you'?

Z: I want to understand the soul, the divine spark that animates everything... there must be something.. E: There is Life. There is nth. to lose here or reject. Everything that is there will remain there, only the illusion of owner will fade.

Z: I want to be Oneness... I don't want to disappear. E: You will not disappear, you never were in the first place. You won't lose anything, there never was a you.

Z: * fights bloody battle w/ self * E: Great fight, but ur vast knowledge of how it should be is what's making it so strong. Ignore Jed, he's a jerk who convinced a whole bunch of people they have to stand and fight. fight what? there's nothing to fight.

E: Nothing to lose, nothing to fight. Look at a chicken. Is there self in a chicken? The chicken has no soul but you think "you" should? That's what "YOU" want! Self wants self to exist? Doesn't. Make. Sense. 'chicken' is just a pointer to activity. what does "I" point to?

Z: Yeah, agree about Jed McKenna. Very macho interpretation. Hmm... chickens don't think they need to be something other than what it is. Brain size shouldn't change this. "I" is a pointer to a misguided belief in a broken off piece of Life. I will follow this line of thought.

E: "I am going to follow this" really? "you"? Drop the belief that this is hard & needs to be fought. Is the chicken fighting to be part of reality? Fighting is self fighting to be taken as real.

E: Say I give u a watermelon. Do it now, hold the huge watermelon right between ur hands. Now I ask, how do you get rid of it? You can't. There's nothing there. "How do I get rid of self?" is the same dumb question.

Z: Suddenly had a feeling that "Elizabeth" is just a lie. I actually *saw* that there was no "I". Was that it? E: Keep going! Z: Ahh... all the big thoughts I had about enlightenment were getting in the way. All that fancy reading...

E: Is there a 'you'? Z: Feels like Elizabeth exists but w/ no attachments. A lighter existence. E: Lighter Elizabeth or no Elizabeth? Find out.

Z: Have been busy w/ life... will need to fin some spare time, must keep going. E: Take care of your life and look while living. No need to take yourself away. There's nowhere to run from truth. Look for "I" and see that it's a watermelon.

Z: This sounds odd but I really do understand. I can taste it but not bring it in. But I will continue on this path. Thank you for ur time. E: NO. Not one day, NOW. Do. Not. Leave. Write to me once a day okay? It's not linear. You will never figure it out if you leave.

Z: It's so frustrating.. the mind is trying to find the concept to erase and can't find the concept. Bloody fucking watermelon. The mind won't let go. E: Don't wait for anything special. Nothing will change When you realized that Santa doesn't exist, did anything change?

E: Sad feelings may have come and went but everything stayed the same. What changed was u never had the 'seeking presents under the tree' or 'what if I'm not good enough for presents' anxiety every again. Look at "I", how it grabs everything.

Z: Yes.. the "I" feels like it's fading. E: It doesn't NEED to FADE! It's not about fading, it's about it being a FICTION. The strength of the fiction is irrelevant. Look at "I", what is there?

Z: Tried sth different this time. Relaxing and playing w/ ideas rather than forcing acceptance. Felt spaciousness and expansion. "I" felt like a parasite that wanted to attach to everything in existence. E: Is there a 'you' living life?

Z: No, just life living itself. What drives it? I don't know. It just arises. E: Now you can stop striving for what you see doesn't exist. Z: So simple! *Bound by futile struggle to be deserving enough to be god.

13/ Christie(C) C: Husband and I started reading Jed McKenna. He then tells me he needs to go into a dark place and that I need to move out... I: Yeah... I've read Jed's books. They can bring a lot of darkness. Great no-nonsense spirituality but strong nihilism & darkness.

I: There's not need for that. Let's look at the center of the illusion and rip out the core. The rest will unfold naturally and painlessly. C: Sounds much better than autolysis. I: Let's go. There is no 'self' yes?

C: I believe so. but I get sucked into drama and heartbreak all the time. Can't make it stick, need to make sure to have roof over head, food, money, I can't just 'surrender'. I: Don't believe. See. What do you see when you think about "no self"?

C: I see fear, but also some relief. Can't stay in relief though. I: Good, let's look at resistance. Fear protects, but if there's no self, then nothing to protect. The body is real, needs protection. As is the mind. But self? No, not real.

I: Look into fear again. Not the details, but the phenomenon itself. Ask what it's protecting. See how perfectly it guards something. Honor it. What is behind it? C: Yeah.. fear... you know tbh, I've been thinking of suicide quite a bit these few weeks. Even wrote some letters.