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L: "I" or "Lars" is just a fiction! I was planning a retreat w/ a Guru but I see that even that good intention is a movement away from now. I feel perfect now, no need to search for enlightenment. E: Right on. The conditioning will continue to fall.

L: I can't believe it. I feel like I've always known but I was following this idea I gave myself that I needed recognition from a teacher like you. I'm cancelling my retreat. Bliss? Enlightenment? Who needs that crap. Life is NOW.

L: Realizing there’s no me doesn’t mean I should be cold or lack empathy. It's just being myself. The expression of life itself is with love but also with war and hate and anger. but without an I, those things come by like clouds.

L: I'm giving away all my Advaita books. I'll read a comic book or biography, or even nothing for a while. E: Lol ok. *Bound by desiring a permanently transcendent reality instead of actual reality.

11/ Chandi(C) C: Chandi doesn't exist but I can't let go. I keep reacting to everything. I: No worries girl, seeing self as not real doesn't change anything. Everything will remain as it is. See how everything has always just happened w/o a 'you' to manage it?

C: If I am not the one loving my kids then where is the loving? Love feels so personal. I: Love is real but 'you' are not. Look at fear w/ respect, doing its job perfectly. C: I feel sick. I see the fear protecting the illusion of Chandi who is protecting her loved ones.

I: Sit with it, let it be there. Let me know when you make peace w/ it. C: I continue to drown in emotions. I can't maintain "no I" I: Well duh. It's not a belief to convince urself of and then maintain. It's clear seeing & then nth left to maintain.

C: The no-soul idea feels so wrong, especially in Islam. Though I can see now that thoughts just arise w/o a 'me'. I: Nothing here challenges Islam. Not looking for a new belief, just looking for truth. There could be a soul, I dunno, the point is "you" don't own it.

C: I see. The "I" is like digesting my food, it is just happening. It's like an operating system, encountered everywhere so thought to be identity. The world feels a bit different, but not a huge shift in consciousness. I: yes ur doing it! what happened?

C: I was thinking about why "I" got stuck on feelings despite no me. I realized it's just a program. I'm worried that "I" will re-appear though. I: No worries, you can't re-believe in Santa Claus right? The rest of the illusions will start falling now. Relax and let it sink in.

*Bound by belief that a new world would completely replace the old world.

12/ Elizabeth(Z) Z: Seeking for 40yrs, I can still smell the 'stink' of wrongness. E: Let's go, tell me more.

Z: I gave up so much and burned so many bridges for this seeking. I found Jed McKenna and Advaita but I'm still burning for release. I can't stand this game of being human. The stink of wrongness is intense. E: Where is the "you" in this story?

Z: It's just memories, my brain, habits, fear, survival, instincts, etc... I almost want a 'me' in there to be special. E: who owns these memories, brain, etc... ? All this stuff exists. It's just 'you' that doesn't. Take a look, is it true?

E: You want a 'me' to be unique? uniqueness won't go away, every flavor of existence is unique. ur hanging on b/c you think u will lose sth right? Z: I fear existence will destabilize w/o 'Elizabeth'. No specialness, no grand dreams, just emptiness... E: Is there 'you'?

Z: I want to understand the soul, the divine spark that animates everything... there must be something.. E: There is Life. There is nth. to lose here or reject. Everything that is there will remain there, only the illusion of owner will fade.

Z: I want to be Oneness... I don't want to disappear. E: You will not disappear, you never were in the first place. You won't lose anything, there never was a you.

Z: * fights bloody battle w/ self * E: Great fight, but ur vast knowledge of how it should be is what's making it so strong. Ignore Jed, he's a jerk who convinced a whole bunch of people they have to stand and fight. fight what? there's nothing to fight.

E: Nothing to lose, nothing to fight. Look at a chicken. Is there self in a chicken? The chicken has no soul but you think "you" should? That's what "YOU" want! Self wants self to exist? Doesn't. Make. Sense. 'chicken' is just a pointer to activity. what does "I" point to?

Z: Yeah, agree about Jed McKenna. Very macho interpretation. Hmm... chickens don't think they need to be something other than what it is. Brain size shouldn't change this. "I" is a pointer to a misguided belief in a broken off piece of Life. I will follow this line of thought.

E: "I am going to follow this" really? "you"? Drop the belief that this is hard & needs to be fought. Is the chicken fighting to be part of reality? Fighting is self fighting to be taken as real.

E: Say I give u a watermelon. Do it now, hold the huge watermelon right between ur hands. Now I ask, how do you get rid of it? You can't. There's nothing there. "How do I get rid of self?" is the same dumb question.

Z: Suddenly had a feeling that "Elizabeth" is just a lie. I actually *saw* that there was no "I". Was that it? E: Keep going! Z: Ahh... all the big thoughts I had about enlightenment were getting in the way. All that fancy reading...

E: Is there a 'you'? Z: Feels like Elizabeth exists but w/ no attachments. A lighter existence. E: Lighter Elizabeth or no Elizabeth? Find out.

Z: Have been busy w/ life... will need to fin some spare time, must keep going. E: Take care of your life and look while living. No need to take yourself away. There's nowhere to run from truth. Look for "I" and see that it's a watermelon.

Z: This sounds odd but I really do understand. I can taste it but not bring it in. But I will continue on this path. Thank you for ur time. E: NO. Not one day, NOW. Do. Not. Leave. Write to me once a day okay? It's not linear. You will never figure it out if you leave.

Z: It's so frustrating.. the mind is trying to find the concept to erase and can't find the concept. Bloody fucking watermelon. The mind won't let go. E: Don't wait for anything special. Nothing will change When you realized that Santa doesn't exist, did anything change?

E: Sad feelings may have come and went but everything stayed the same. What changed was u never had the 'seeking presents under the tree' or 'what if I'm not good enough for presents' anxiety every again. Look at "I", how it grabs everything.

Z: Yes.. the "I" feels like it's fading. E: It doesn't NEED to FADE! It's not about fading, it's about it being a FICTION. The strength of the fiction is irrelevant. Look at "I", what is there?

Z: Tried sth different this time. Relaxing and playing w/ ideas rather than forcing acceptance. Felt spaciousness and expansion. "I" felt like a parasite that wanted to attach to everything in existence. E: Is there a 'you' living life?