The second project is to use many of those same crude tools on ourselves
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Your partner will appreciate this arrangement because she won’t feel the weight of your emotional dependence or the sting of your rage when she is unintentionally neglectful
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by acting as though you care less than your partner, you can constantly stir her anxiety and keep her in line. The downside to this strategy is that you wind up numb, cut off from your heart and from your partner’s love, so you’re constantly dissatisfied
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Either way, life is predictable, and no one gets close enough to hurt them. The boredom and loneliness of either kind of controlled life seem like a small price to pay to minimize the threat of re-injury.
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It seems that the key to helping a couple lies less in reducing the number or even intensity of their fights and more in improving the repair process after a fight.
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since they both had been so vulnerable, their protectors were likely to return with a vengeance whenever the other made the slightest false move
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Most people dance the same dances, even with different partners, because they never bother to look inside. They spend their lives striving for redemption they don’t need and being disappointed in each chosen redeemer whom they try to change to fit the bill
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End of conversation
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