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When you death grip a weapon (e.g. gun, sword, intelligence, beauty, money) the weapon becomes a part of you. It's a type of perpetual background tenseness that requires constant energy.

Perpetual energy expenditure is useful when it's something like breathing or your heartbeat. That's stuff your don't want to actively manage. It's not that useful when it's something like back-pain. You want to be able to relax that kind of stuff.

A "hole" is permanent just like permanent marker is. Nothing is really permanent because everything is just a bunch of atoms. Your consciousness or field-of-being is just a series of atomic moments.

Permanency is relative. Permanent marker is effectively permanent for the environments it's in. E.g. label on an item in a drawer. Time makes this a bit tricky since it's like sap. It locks moments permanently into history.

Childhood wounds for example can't be healed because you can't go back to the past. You can't heal a relationship with a parent if that parent is dead.

However.... when you think about the past or the future it's always the present reconstructing a model and replaying it. Every memory is a re-enactment with you as the director. You're putting on the same show, night after night, year after year. "The show must go on."

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound" If you have an idea in your head and you don't hire the actors, write the script, and put on the show. Is it really real? If there's no one there to "see" your pain, does it exist?

Most 'pain' is seeing your pain internally and repressing it from an audience. Or hiding the pain and displaying the alternative beautiful side instead.

Repression is like putting makeup over a scar day in and day out for years. (For many women the scar is 'i'm not pretty enough') Transmutation is like putting together a beautiful vase from a broken chandelier and saying "See, nothing was broken."

Pain-driven creative expression is like showing off your "shame" in a way. It's a desire to share your pain because you know the raw expression of it isn't socially accepted. "Come see this show, you'll feel terrible afterwards." "Er... no thanks..."

We adjust our shows to shove in a happy ending we don't really believe in to attract more views. Then we put on the show over and over again. We lose the plot because we never finished the plot.

Subconsciously there's a desire to "Start a new journey" precisely because the original journey never finished. You can't make money off a Neverending Story after all.

A purely protocol and transaction based society feels cold because everything wraps up at the moment of mutual agreement. There are no infinite threads. The only way to keep a thread going is to keep the drama going via perpetual conflict.

To "trust in god" via faith means to accept that the plan will be revealed to you as necessary. It's not an intentional marginalization or withholding of secrets. It's just how reality works. Reality can work in no other way but via moment by moment emergence into consciousness