We grow up afraid of intimacy when we have the odd suspicion that we're the common factor for all previous failed relationships. Everyone by default has this feeling now because of how fast we move.
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We choose a mixed bag of these ideas and mold it into a personality. We're looking for deep root, to feel powerful and alive.
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That's why community is so useful. Nature self-selects into beautiful combinations. We float around picking up ideas until we become a scientists, firefighter, father, etc... We float around until we encounter and other and create new life.
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Certain ideas can't be changed. The ideas of white/black, boy/girl have roots of different depth and strength. If you're born a certain way you're forced with the burden of different advantages and disadvantages.
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Being forced to identify as 'white' for example has a huge advantage in that you can't shoot yourself in the foot with a 'playing-the-victim' card. You're forced to grow in self-responsibility because you didn't have the luxury of copping out.
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It's a disadvantage though because then you can never play the victim card even when you're really the victim.
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End of conversation
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