There’s this fun concept called “load bearing trauma” - a pillar of your ‘self’ built on top of a pile of broken coping mechanisms on top of past trauma. Unravelling that is terrifying, because a part of yourself - your goals and motivations, your habits, … - crumbles with it.
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But you can rebuild it, and become a healthier person for it. My motivations are very different from what they were a year ago, because my old ones were defined in terms of past abusers, fear, and unhealthy expectations. “crying makes you weak” is so false it’s not even funny.
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My motivations for getting into software were, in no particular order: - I need to get away from X - I need to get out of [country] - I want to prove somebody wrong who said I would never accomplish anything Fear and anger made me frontload a decade’s worth of learning, I had a—
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“senior” title at the age of 20, moved to the UK with no relocation help at 21. I was obsessed with the idea of “square one” - a point at which I’d made up for not having had the privileges those around me had. It was unhealthy as shit, but it got results - by minmaxing my life
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I burned out last year, and the only surprise there is how long it took. I don’t regret any of this, that’s important. I have a future, I’m alive to type this. I did the best I could with the means I had available. But I still struggle with the ideas of safety and permanence.
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One of the biggest things that’s helped me was reading “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker It made me realise how my childhood wasn’t as normal as I was telling myself, and physical abuse isn’t the only kind that leaves scars.https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD-ebook/dp/B00HJBMDXK …
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It any of this resonates with you, but you can’t spare the money, hit me up and I’ll get you a copy.
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A lot of what I’m doing right now is realising that I consist almost entirely of extrinsic motivations, especially negative ones - I don’t do things I want, I do the opposite of what I don’t want. I don’t want to be in this place / near this person / acting this way / trapped.
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When you’re in a painful situation, “I want to get out” is a perfectly reasonable goal. But if your entire self is built on running away, you can’t build a person on top of that. It gave me no real direction, only a fear of ever standing still.
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I know what I don’t want, now I need to figure out what I want. That means confronting the trauma that formed my current motivations, and figuring out what to build in their place. I was never able to think about this before! I was too busy running to realise I was already safe
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