for the sake of this thread, "expectation" means what it means most of the time
and also implies a sort of...clutching? feeling
"the world is/will be like this" + [effort/strain/tension/clinging/needing]
so maybe: "the world has to be like this"
(or what?
)
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something I haven't figured out yet is like am I trying to *preserve* that "expectation?" or am I trying to *avoid the pain* of having to alter it?
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if the former, it might be that the pain is there as a protective mechanism if the latter...why does it hurt, to alter the expectation?
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why is it that, under a variety of conditions involving fear, tension, uncertainty, stress, exhaustion, etc my mind spins up a process of predicting the set of all possible and/or acceptable sensory input?
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why does it *hurt* to suddenly have my grasp on that process loosened, in response to unanticipated sensory data?
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more questions: -do thoughts count as sensory data? are there thoughts that, if they arise unexpectedly, cause my grip on the process to "slip?" -actual *outcomes* are almost always better when my grip on the process relaxes...so why did this pattern arise in the first place?
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Replying to @selentelechia
being in control helps deal with the stress of uncertainty, a YOU are the cause of the effect, to the detriment of the magic of uncertainty and that which comes from spontaneous imagination
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Replying to @_StevenFan
it isn't *effective* control, though I think what I'm maybe seeing here is like a hack that I developed sometime in early childhood that got picked up by my entire brain for all sorts of bullshit it was never meant for
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Replying to @selentelechia
Its purpose is to *deal with stress*, not make outcomes the best but good enough to imagined specs. To be fair to your brain, there a universe of uncertainty around and being in control is adaptive.
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Replying to @_StevenFan
yeah I guess it does make some sense given that (assuming my narrative is true) I had zero information about things like long term consequences
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My original relationship to control is one of extremes: self-sabotaging perfectionist, or unstructured. Been building out a healthy middle ground. The people I love who over-wield control tho functionally + effectively have the blind spot of not seeing how it limits serendipity.
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"Nasty little Buddhist"
Seeking via neuroscience and psychology informed dharma.