Found out that members from my dad's side of the family basically went with the flow even thought they had imitations of other paths.
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An aunt of mine went with piano all the way up to being a regents professor because the path was clear and it was easy to go down it even though she had a deep stirring for a career in biology.
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I havent confirmed but from what I surmise there are variations on these stories for my Dad and other aunt. Which is a fascinating example of generational characteristics.
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..because I feel like I'm on and have been on a similar go-with-the-flow path. I don't really expect the world to open up when I push. Feels like it could be a personality orientation shared by me and Dad's side of the family.
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I'm taking an attitude of "this is conditioning to notice." AFAIK this is conditioning that can be unraveled by feeling into its sensations in the body and seeing the coemerging behavior or affiliated stance/narrative.
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I've been through this process a few times where I see a deep layer of psychology. Lately I've covered childhood orientations around fear, voice, and masculinity. It's hard to tell if this one though was learned in my upbringing or has some inherented genetic component.
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Like my wife who self diagnosed a genetic disease root cause of a disparate set of symptoms (shes fucking badass) this feel like generational puzzle where the goal is to understand who I am and how I got this way through nature and nurture.
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"Nasty little Buddhist"
Seeking via neuroscience and psychology informed dharma.