David Edwin

Remember that kid that was a piece of shit but his parents still got him a Power Wheels? And he'd just leave his Power Wheels in the yard and you were like man that piece of shit does not deserve a Power Wheels. Parents = UBER & LYFT Power Wheels = Scooters POS Kid = Los Angeles

Before you post something political on Twitter a little box should pop up that says "You know you're a piece of shit too, right?" and if you click "No" your Iphone will convert back into a flip phone that only has free nights and weekends.

A few weeks ago my buddy was going through some t shirts and one said "Dennis the Menace" but it was folded over itself and I thought it said "Penis the Meanest". We are still laughing and are currently working on our Netflix crime fighting weiner pitch.

In 1978 there was a made for TV movie called Rescue From Gilligan's Island where Gilligan and the gang were rescued and got to go home and everything seemed great only at the end of the movie they get stranded on the island again. It was like that only with Jon Snow.

Pen15 wishes it could be as great as Teen Girl Squad. I'd say change my mind, but you won't. #breadtangleofpizza #Imissvideogames #Imissmymom #MSGed

Being a grown up can suck but if you think about it you're not going to write an annotated bibliography again for the rest of your life. So fucking dance.

The first girl I hear today say "Good fuckity crap it's Valentine's Day already?!" gets to be my valentine/probably wife.

Gillette's "Men, We Can Do Better" campaign would be way less controversial if they had just shown a video of me burning myself trying to flip bacon with my fingers.

The planet is definitely round because if it was flat every other dating app photo would be a woman doing a handstand at the edge of the earth.

If I had concentrated in school as vehemently as I do putting a screen protector on my phone I would have cured kid cancer and grown corn on Mars by now.

Back in the days of AOL Instant Messenger every Monday was Cyber Monday.

Me - "Hey I started reading this great book!" Friend - "Oh cool you'll have to let me read it when you're done!" Me, 7 years in the future - "Here ya go!"

Dry dog food = meat cereal Change my mind.

High speed chases would be way more fun to watch if they replaced the spike strips with bitchin' ramps.

I like to imagine when @TonyDanza plays a character that isn't named Tony, they waste so many shots on him responding to other actors with "Who? No, my name's Tony.", that the director says fuck it and changes the characters name to Tony.

I didn't want to take a side on this Nike/Kaepernick thing but after analyzing both sides of the debate I've decided I am going to proudly continue supporting being able to only afford Skechers that are buy one get one and on clearance.

I use to think “Hey, if you know heroin is bad, how about you just stop doing heroin? It's not that hard to figure out you stupid junkie!” And then I started dipping pizza in ranch dressing. I now understand heroin.

I dont care of this starts controversy. Every taco I’ve had in LA has been small, overpriced, and tasted like garbage.

Forget killing Hitler, if I had a time machine I’d go back to when Airwalks weren’t shit.