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Prikvačeni tweet
yes i am a white MALE yes i am raising four DURABLE conservative BOYS to become MEN no i don’t HUG them EVER my masculinity is THAT fragile yes i love ROCK n roll yes i live in a storage unit off route 22 i made some bad INVESTMENTS in a FAILED soft drink company
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
i’m Terry Cloth inventor of terrycloth towels and some ppl consider it the height of narcissism to name my invention after me verbatim but u don’t drive to work in a vroom vroom go-mobile u do it in a Ford right so peace sign middle finger haters i’m shining
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
fast and furious 10 better be called FasTen Your Seatbelt
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
years ago I overheard a woman on her phone say, “yeah well, I told Jim he should’ve been a plumber cuz he loves to bring up old shit” and I think about it a lot
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
I think police horses should get to carry their own guns, and guess what, I vote
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if i were the democratic party i would simply not fuck everything up always
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
date: what’s your dream job? me: designing food stats for RPGs date: umm ok… *sips water* me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
ok a dame just walked in on some torpedo barneymugging his moll and i thought she might be a wet blanket but now she’s showing the chippy how to use her kisser on the hood’s peashooter and boy howdy if it don’t look like it’s hittin on all sixes - 1920s reporter narrating porn
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
My horoscope: you need to assert your own identity in your relationships Me (texting my girlfriends): hey queens how do we feel about me asserting my own identity?
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i’m a pete bootyjudge is straight truther
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
timely reminder that Pete isn’t eating chicken wings in this photo. it’s a Cinnabon that he’s torn up into little pieces to hold in his paws and nibble on, like a rat would dopic.twitter.com/6rkkmhT9Tz
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
His palms are spaghetti Knees weak, arms spaghetti He’s a doll I made out of cooked spaghetti
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
Basically I have to decide between sending nudes to a drummer who will just reply “rad” or a lawyer who will be like “wow! This rocks. Thanks for taking the time to send this to me.”
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breaking news: my favorite bar to take selfies has renovated their bathrooms and we’ve been left with subpar lighting this is a modern-day tragedypic.twitter.com/bDVb2A9fIw
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me: eat the rich also me: hello yes front desk i’m sorry what’s ur name hi william yes it’s tom in room 3224 yes hi i was just wondering if u have better shampoo yes better shampoo william the one in my room doesn’t even have any moroccan argan oils can u send up some argan oils
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
him: *on one knee* me: you disrespectful piece of–
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
I want to be a porno actor that does not do sex stuff I’m just like getting cheated on or working the mall kiosk or the aunt watching tv in a nearby room
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
[down with the sickness guy] iowa ah ah ah
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
as an alpha male / popular jock i have never been “bitten” by a mosquito. yes i will allow them to pierce my flesh and sip some blood from my robust, capable veins but i’d never let another creature BITE me. get real.
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𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚝𝚘𝚖 proslijedio/la je Tweet
me: in some cultures they eat the afterbirth her: I don't like the sound of that waiter: we don't have it anyway
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