Yasmine Mohammed ياسمين محمد  🦋

Thread Only now am I beginning to grasp the implications of being systematically deprived of my basic rights to choice #asanexmuslimwoman. From childhood I was taught that individuality - personality, thoughts, hopes, ideas, needs - had no place. I was just a faceless follower.

I was forced to wear hijab. It's taken me so long to face that. It was one of many ways that my voice was extinguished & my powerlessness blatantly obvious. A particular memory that comes to mind was an argument with my mum where she reiterated that there was no way around it.

She was unmovable, there was no convincing her. Recognising the finality of her decision, I began crying & didn't stop. I had to read Quran with my dad afterwards & still the tears streamed silently down my face. He was bewildered but the feeling of defeat had finally silenced me

The betrayal by my parents, who should have been my closest allies, is hard to swallow. But even worse than that was the betrayal to myself. As a hijabi, a public representative of Islam, I had to swallow my resentment & face the outside world with a smile.

I had to prove my piety to Muslims & make Islam look good to non - Muslims. I had to lie about my reasons for wearing hijab to counter 'Islamophobia' & the 'misrepresentation' of women's rights in Islam. I had to sell myself out by claiming that it honoured & empowered me.

I needed to believe the lie for my own sanity. Honesty, even just internally, would make me a helpless victim & I couldn't accept that reality. After time, I succeeded in erasing the identity that had caused me so much pain. Conformity & submission were essential to survival.

The responsibility to protect Islam from external scrutiny worked against me in other facets of life too. At the age of 16, I struggled with depression & anxiety. Multiple doctors suggested that my isolation from peers & non existent social life could be contributing factors.

Despite the fact that I was deeply unsatisfied with a life of conservative religion & it's unrelenting standards, I had no choice but to lie & deny any affect on my mental health. On top of that, my dad attributed it to a deficiency in faith & suggested prayer to treat myself