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  1. prije 8 sati

    Punxsutawney Phil exits his den. Once he was a proud marmot. Native Americans revered him. They called him Monax. Now he’s a sideshow. A rodent named Phil. He sees his shadow. The crowd moans. “Get back in your hole, fat hamster!” A child pelts him with funnel cake.

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  2. prije 9 sati

    I call him Sideshow Bob and I’m tired of having to explain it.

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    Me: I have soooooooo much work to do. Her: I’m sick of your drama. Me: [stirring my coffee in a crock pot] How so?

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 18 sati

    A vampire who enthralls her victims to expose their necks so she can make farty noise raspberries there.

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    I've been RTing funny tweets every day c. 2012. Almost 85k tweets, close to 10k followers. I have severe social anxiety and therefore don't talk much to people, even online. I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone, is there anything you've wanted to ask me? Ask me anything

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 16 sati

    Twitter is putting ads for avocados and Jaguars in my feed like I’m a fucking heiress

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj 2017.

    Press: Mr. VP, what do you think of Punxsutawney Phil coming out today? Mike Pence: I believe it's a choice.

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    It’s Missouri you stone cold idiot.

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    *quietly using hand sanitizer over & over like a modern Lady MacBeth*

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    My friend is able to get music from his phone to play directly into his hearing aids. Would it be disrespectful to call that a deaf jam?

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    18. sij

    To thine own self be like I told you so.

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    21. sij

    I just want a weighted blanket that gets heavier with every immortal soul I devour.

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  13. prije 12 sati

    sorry :( I had coffee at midnight.

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  14. prije 12 sati

    AVOCADO SUPER BOWL SUNDAY GENDER REVEAL OMG WE’RE A NATION OF DIPSHITS WE DON’T DESERVE WITNESSES LET THE RISING SEAS RECLAIM US FROM BEFORE THE TIME WE CRAWLED FROM THE OCEANS

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    9. ruj 2018.

    TV: ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!! Me: Some.

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj
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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj
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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    7. velj 2016.
    Odgovor korisniku/ci
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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 22 sata

    market is insane right now, two guys were fighting over a case of dos equis, another dude shanked a grandma who was reaching for the same bag of fritos, and a baby with a machete was guarding a brick of velveeta

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. sij 2018.

    I won't get into the particulars of what was said or done or not said or not done, but just know that my skeleton is an asshole

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