Cheick's new Schmooveᴮᴸᴹ

it’s not even with this. it’s with ANYTHING. i’m prescribed shitloads of medications to numb my mind down to nothing, instead of going completely berserk. but what good is it doing if i’m incapable of committing to even the slightest responsibility or finishing any task i start??

i can’t even glimpse at my server as my mind warps my view into seeing anyone leaving my server as leaving ME, which is my biggest fear in the world. i am so unbelievably selfish that i just want everyone to stay by my side forever and never leave me, even though it’ll happen.

adding on to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for the sweet replies + private messages in regards to this thread. i've read all of them and i am truly thankful for the compassion and understanding you've all shown. some of them brought tears to my eyes.

i'm just accustomed to using my (horrible) coping mechanism in fantasizing about shooting myself in the head over and over again to 'punish' myself instead confronting people directly. even just speaking about the issue indirectly via twitter took a lot out of me to actually do.

...... ok whoops i slipped up as that is going into WAY too extreme territory, which is the biggest no-no policy on my social media. so i won't speak about any of my mental state crap anymore because i am fine and will be fine so YEAH.

ANYWAYS... i try to avoid posting any sort of negativity whatsoever, but this time i ended slipping up big time and i'm embarrassed for it. i will continue to avoid messing up in the future. i just won't allow myself to get tangled in situations that involve others anymore lol;;