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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    23. sij 2019.

    All of the nonsense... Now, with less scrolling.

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  2. prije 2 sata

    𝓣𝕚𝕞𝕖 𝓦𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝓘𝕤 𝓣𝕙𝕖 𝓣𝕚𝕞𝕖 𝓔𝕧𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕦𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝓡𝕖𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕕

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  3. prije 5 sati

    I hope they’re not out of hazelnut.

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    The best way to avoid expensive dentistry bills is by having all your teeth removed in a bar fight. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 9 sati

    Five Secrets Of Happy People: 1. Wealth 2. Xanax 3. Obliviousness 4. More Xanax 5. Slaying your enemies and consuming their hearts

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 5 sati

    Wife: What the hell are you doing? Me: Putting on sunscreen, what the hell does it look like I’m doing? Wife: It says for skin, not foreskin you moron.

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 16 sati

    You go to chop me in the throat with an open palm but you miss a little and suddenly I’m sucking on the web of your hand. You don’t know what the hell just happened, but you’re definitely not mad anymore.

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 6 sati

    I'm like an onion. If you cut me up I'm gonna smell funny.

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Got honked at tonight. It was with a bike bell, but I’m still counting it.

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    17. svi 2017.

    "Don't get comfortable. We're going for a ride." - life

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    23. svi 2018.

    [drive thru] Me: I’ll have a happy meal. Him: This is the pharmacy pickup window. Me: I know. I just asked for Xanax, didn’t I?

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    15. sij 2015.

    Never kick someone when they're down. Climb on their back and try to ride them like a horsie. -kids

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    21. lip 2014.

    They say if a cranky baby won't sleep, take a nice long car ride... *hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    4. lis 2019.

    Her: Please don’t go. Me: Sorry, sweetheart, it was fun while it lasted, but this road warrior never overstays his welcome. I got a ticket to ride. *putters away in Barbie Dream Camper*

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. svi 2019.

    I stopped my car to let an old lady cross the street AND NO ONE APPLAUDED.

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    18. sij 2019.

    They shouldn't have named it a baggage carousel if they didn't want me to ride it.

    Prikaži ovu nit
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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    10. stu 2019.

    SPOILER ALERT: Desperado never came to his senses. Still out riding fences.

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    14. svi 2019.

    Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home. Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    9. lis 2015.

    "I've got a ten man posse here & we're ready to ride." "But I only see six guys." "Yeah, I rounded them up."

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 17 sati

    Me to ambulance driver: Sick ride. -ice cream man: Sweet ride. -prison bus: Killer ride. -drug dealer: Dope ride.

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 18 sati

    I have no beef with you. This is between me and the horse you rode in on. *clenches fists* He knows what he did.

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