m@thew

@TweetPotato314

drink as much apple juice as u can

in ur heart :)
Vrijeme pridruživanja: prosinac 2016.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    25. lip 2019.

    me: did you steal my thesaurus horse: nope

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 8 sati

    Guy: so you’re still in barber school Me: *putting tarp on him* no Guy: graduated? Me: *revving chainsaw* expelled

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  3. prije 9 sati

    me: *blows out birthday candles* animal planet on tv: though agile, kangaroos are unable to walk backwards *a tear rolls down my cheek* magic is real

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 9 sati

    [Watching halftime show] ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50. GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now. ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

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  5. 2. velj

    crocodile dundee: that’s not a knife therapist: crocodile dundee: that’s a knife therapist: there *sets down ink blots* there are other options, mick

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    A lot of people don’t watch the Super Bowl because they think not liking popular sports makes them look cool. Not me. I don’t watch it because I thought I saw a spider on my TV and I screamed and hit it with a chair.

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  7. 2. velj

    opened an electronics shop called “ok purchase” across from a best buy and it is going bad

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    16. ruj 2017.

    college football is ruthless because you're 18 and you fuck up and suddenly a brass band starts playing to celebrate it

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. ožu 2018.

    *battlefield turns into a giant orgy* Cupid: sorry sorry, these are the only type of arrows I have

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  10. 31. sij

    some day i’m just going to tweet something like “jeanut putter and belly” and leave this god forsaken app forever

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    28. sij

    One nice way to feel better about yourself is to imagine what Steve Irwin would say about you if you were a little snake he found in the desert

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  12. 29. sij
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  13. 29. sij

    musician: *playing the piano* guy about to inventing singing: i’m going to yell a poem now

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  14. 29. sij

    me: one whopper please cashier: would u like 2 me: how much is it cashier: $6 me: how much is 1 cashier: $6.09 me: oh, how much is 3 cashier: me: [1 hour later] cashier: ok, here are your 1200 whoppers and your $60

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  15. 28. sij

    me: can i be frank for a sec boss: sure frank: thank you

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    26. sij

    There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 7.”

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  17. 25. sij

    carol: we need to name the baby jeff: let’s give him my name carol: are you sure : yes

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  18. 23. sij

    fuck u last night me. i’m not dealing with ur shit

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  19. 23. sij

    night vision monocle. i’ll figure this one out tomorrow. good night

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  20. 22. sij

    i’m going in

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  21. 22. sij

    how long do i have to wait to try and bang mrs. peanut

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