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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    21. pro 2019.

    "Anna Karenina" was originally "Anna & Karen In a Target"

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    24. lip 2018.

    I bought some powdered oil. The instructions say to add water but I can't get them to mix.

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    14. sij

    When I encounter a major inconvenience in life I too gang up with a crew of various wild animals, break into someone's house, insult those who live there for their decor, clean it, then take a nap across three of their small beds.

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  4. 5. velj

    A rolling stone gathers no rosebuds while ye may *reset*

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. velj

    Miraculously, 12k of you follow me & I like the number 12 since it’s a multiple of 3, so lets celebrate accounts that under 3k. If you are 3k & under, drop a tweet from you &/or one from a friend under 3k. If you’re over, still feel free to drop a tweet from an under 3k friend.

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    [coffee shop] Me: this coffee tastes weird Friend: it tastes fine to me Me: maybe they didn’t reheat it in the microwave enough

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    4. velj

    I'm buying an aardvark, just so I can be first if we ever line up alphabetically according to our pet's names. I will name him Aaron, just in case.

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    4. velj

    Witty retorts Boomerangs 🤝 Comebacks

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    4. velj

    It's 2020. Can someone please explain to me why no one created an app to shut down my phone when it's late and I start writing weird stuff.

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  10. 4. velj

    If the groundhog sees Iowa, we get six more weeks of voting.

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  11. 4. velj
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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    10. ruj 2019.

    Judge: You’ve committed crimes against the natural order of shapes, and you’ve been sentenced to 10 years in prism. 4th Dimensional man: You’ll never keep me in there.

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    18. pro 2019.

    *building on fire* Fleeing Bystander: AAAAAAAAAAAA Me: I don’t see how a really tiny battery is gonna help

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    18. sij

    me: hey god you up there? god: i'm here, my son me: listen man, you know Julie and I are selling the house and we really think it's time for you to move out of the attic

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    27. sij

    me: hey chad, how did the Nativity auditions go? chad [kroeger, of nickelback fame]: never made it as a wise man

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    I paid a lot of monet for this art

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    me: hey what type of battery do I need for this remote? employee: oh AAA me: okay first off no reason to shout

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    Crocodile Dundee: *brings a knife to a gun fight* Shit

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  19. 3. velj

    dentist: Are you sensitive to anything? me: Cold. ᵃⁿᵈ ᶜʳᶦᵗᶦᶜᶦˢᵐ

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    🏆🏆UNNAMED TWEET CALL!!!🏆🏆 Send 1-2 of your tweets from this week, no theme. Likes for all. RTs, trophy emojis, and TLC for the winners Show some love for the judges: & Me Ends in 5hrs!!!

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    My childhood was filled with scare-mongering about the hole in the ozone layer. Is it just all gone now, or did we spackle that bitch up?

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