Feeling a mixture of relief and dread that is difficult to put into words in a way that won't sound tacky - but relief is now winning.
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Dread from realizing - sensing physically, not contemplating intellectually - that all life is transitory and everything will yet change.
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Relief in the form of a more gradual realization that because the above is true, I am bound to nothing, beholden to no-one.
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(Including "Sindre", this edifice of tastes, fears, desires, habits and so on.)
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Cycling back into dread, because having that much freedom is a bit frightening.
Then relief, because it doesn't really matter anyway.
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To early to say what effect those things will have on life in general, but I am feeling fundamentally unburdened.
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Some habits and characteristics I used to regard with disgust, fear or similar now feel just fine. Others are simply fading away.
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Which leaves an echoing emptiness behind. A mind that used to feel like a cramped bedroom, now takes on the hollowness of a cathedral.
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Interestingly, feelings now take on a sort of overwhelming intensity, because the physical sensations come unfiltered, in waves. Yet...
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They also feel less "mine". They are simply bodily sensations. Sometimes those sensations are deeply uncomfortable, sometimes they're nice.
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And so they become mere calls to action - input to consider, stimuli to weigh against others - not axioms or truth.
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Going to take a few days to let this all settle, and follow some advice I am good at giving but sometimes poor at taking: keep meditating.
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If you want to get somewhere with something, it's imperative to always, *always* keep practicing, or you get stuck. Take only short breaks.
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