At times I've wanted to become Really Extraverted by Working Through Trauma Stuff
Currently, though, I'm more like: it's okay if it's awkward sometimes; it's okay if we don't know what to say; it's okay if it could be more fun. It's all okay with me, what about you?
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I wonder sometimes how many people feel this way.
Especially in Meditation Land, I get the sense everyone wants "More, more, more" all the time, and I have to say ... I'm not sure I want to play that game anymore
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Feel like this is a holdover from the whole rationalist culture that's bled into this bizarre overlapping lattice of "postrats".
Life optimization is mostly a bullshit game for bullshit people. Life doesn't have deterministic utility, and it's a soulless way to view things.
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It's as bad faith as it is ridiculous to just pretend that there are pre-existing "good" ways to be that are somehow attractive for all.
Even in the most stripped-down materialistic view, you're a biological petri dish built on a highly flexible template. No ideal way to be.
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(On top of which, subcultures like the rationalist strain are one of the most provably irresilient and fragile forms of social experiment.
None of this is likely to last more than a few decades at most, if even that. People will forget about it long before we vacate the planet.)
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Growing out of the "a bullshit social club will save me" mentality and charting their own paths in life as responsible adults in control of their own agency, hopefully with some like-minded friends.
Basically, learn to live the hard way. No cheap tricks.
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To my eye you've been publicly struggling with these questions for some time, like many of us have, and it's been good to see you move more and more from posing questions to the void to seeking to answer them for yourself.
It's in your hands. Best of luck with the work.
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I don't mean to fetishize you. I just have a deep and abiding loathing of people who pretend to know the answers to other people's deeper questions.
Every time I see someone resist the grift, it makes me happy.