I am hopelessly grandiose a lot of the time (as you can see). What's less obvious to others, is I'm also cripplingly insecure and mistrustful of myself.
I second guess everything, relentlessly, and can't seem to trust myself, ever, except in some areas where I ONLY trust myself.
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I have a very weird tendency towards saviour complex-ish levels of self-sacrifice. I make choices that are very bad for me, provided the benefit to others seems high/I "should".
This has gotten me into trouble 100s of times, and is why I currently have lots of personal problems.
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It's like a switch goes off and I become a (very nice) sociopath.
Nothing is taken personally, I have 0 emotional contagion (can still understand others, even better than usually), and I am just focused on the problem while staying completely detached.
It's sort of eerie.
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You know all the rules. So you can watch the gears tick tick tick.
Humans are just incredibly intricate clockwork.
I get this too yeah. I like it. I'm not *supposed* to like it, but I get shit *done* in that mindset. Including acts of great kindness.
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I seem to switch it on selectively precisely because most people seem sort of like screaming, incoherent monkeys in that state.
This would be very alienating/create a hostile social disposition as an always-on thing, but works for crisis situations since it removes fear & doubt.
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Yeah, always-on would be... bad. Supervillain bad.
For me I can't fully control it, it comes out in crisis times near-exclusively.
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We have a word for people who have it on always and it's "sociopath", is my stance on that.
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Yeah, same. I can't exactly elicit it. It knows when it needs to be there.
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I think sociopaths can be capable of genuine good intention and prosocial drives, but if you're stuck inhabiting a stance where nobody can move you, you are liable to do harm to anyone and anything if they get even slightly in your way.
This scales, viciously.
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If someone gets in your way while you're trying to save a life and you hurt their feelings a bit, fine.
If it's just "this is important to me and my work is so important that nobody gets to interrupt my work and your feelings don't matter anyway"? Yeah, that's quite different.