At the same time, deep focus on any one thing is almost impossible and I have a lot of problems with modelling anything I don't have a natural feel for.
It's very difficult to learn by rote, for me. I'm teflon for anything I can't play with, even when I really want to learn.
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Sometimes I come back to something that was "impossible" and find that it's suddenly effortless, to the point that I'm like 2+ standard deviations above normal ability.
(This in areas where I used to be totally clueless, often very recently, despite concerted effort.)
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I feel like my thought processes are as likely to overfit and lead me into some complete nonsense as they are to give me some completely novel insights from very low information density.
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I don't put *too* much stock in IQ, but it's probably also worth mentioning that I'm 4 standard deviations above norm in some areas, and about average in others.
I often seem like a moron/genius to myself in the context of my own baseline cognitive effectiveness.
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That's about it for cognition. Now some personal stuff I didn't know where to throw in.
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I am hopelessly grandiose a lot of the time (as you can see). What's less obvious to others, is I'm also cripplingly insecure and mistrustful of myself.
I second guess everything, relentlessly, and can't seem to trust myself, ever, except in some areas where I ONLY trust myself.
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I have a very weird tendency towards saviour complex-ish levels of self-sacrifice. I make choices that are very bad for me, provided the benefit to others seems high/I "should".
This has gotten me into trouble 100s of times, and is why I currently have lots of personal problems.
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It's like a switch goes off and I become a (very nice) sociopath.
Nothing is taken personally, I have 0 emotional contagion (can still understand others, even better than usually), and I am just focused on the problem while staying completely detached.
It's sort of eerie.
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You know all the rules. So you can watch the gears tick tick tick.
Humans are just incredibly intricate clockwork.
I get this too yeah. I like it. I'm not *supposed* to like it, but I get shit *done* in that mindset. Including acts of great kindness.
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I seem to switch it on selectively precisely because most people seem sort of like screaming, incoherent monkeys in that state.
This would be very alienating/create a hostile social disposition as an always-on thing, but works for crisis situations since it removes fear & doubt.
Yeah, always-on would be... bad. Supervillain bad.
For me I can't fully control it, it comes out in crisis times near-exclusively.
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We have a word for people who have it on always and it's "sociopath", is my stance on that.
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