I wonder what backwards way I get off on pretending I NEED TO BE PERFECT for people to love me
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Having this too, but I think for me it's just a simple case of feeling I wasn't loved unconditionally in my childhood, giving rise to about 500 different insecurities.
Except by my grandparents. They rule.
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my childhood SUCKED HAHAHA so yeah I mean that almost certainly is whatβs up.
sometimes it helps to frame things as a kink so I can either learn to enjoy them or get bored of them though lol
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Oh I kind of agree with the idea that it's a kink on some level.
"Something horrible happened to me and I'd never like it to happen again, but I reaaaaally get off on skirting the edges of that experience. Oh yes, please make me *mildly uncertain* about your affections... etc."
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I'm pretty sure when I get triggered I actually forget this is some sort of game I am playing with myself and take it VERY SERIOUSLY.
It's just the literal worst, then.
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oh yeah
thatβs when people get hurt with me too and I regret it deeply every time I remember Iβm a delusional mess
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