One of those days where I sort of regret not having solicited a guru at some point.
My practice is now in a spiral or cycle, and I'm not sure if I should just stay hands off and see if it deepens, or if there's an exit ramp I'm not seeing.
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Don't intend any hostility. I just have fairly specific needs, and no obvious way to meet them!
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I hope you are able to meet them soon, there's not much else to do but rely on your intuition in the meantime...
Can I ask what your practice is? And how you learned it?
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It's becoming more and more clear to me that I only understand the very core of my practice with any real precision (see: , Cutting Machinery).
Everything else is very rapidly iterated DIY, WIP, "how am I doing this and why is it working?" stuff.
That said...
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My practice cut through so much of my internal chatter that I now experience frequent periods of total mental silence.
(There is still some stuff going on repeat, and some situations or conditions (insomnia, illness) that trigger more of it.)
I practice acting without thinking.
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This by noticing when my chatterbox mind is especially subdued, and deliberately doing stuff while no thoughts arise as mental content.
At first I could do it with simple motor skills. Now I can do it with e.g. conversations. I say things without knowing what they'll be, etc.
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Another side of that is that I spontaneously do the Nath sitting, mahamudra-esque component of the Cutting Machinery practice.
This seems to be the genesis of those long breaks in mental chatter, but it also has its own set of effects like making me very generally relaxed.
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I also get a lot of Kundalini-type energy. When this happens, I like to move a lot. Stretch, spin around, flex, dance...
This seems to be a continuation of the mantra practice, as I tend to trance out really hard after a while. Lots of bliss, joy, here.
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(Got it now from talking about it, heh.)
There is a lot of emotional stuff going on. My feelings mostly come very quickly, intensely, directly in response to inputs now.
This requires a certain level of active attentiveness, or I'm liable to get overly impulsive.
But I also indulge positive impulsivity a lot more.
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Another thing is I can sense when I'm avoiding, getting defensive or getting triggered by a trauma. It feels like a tension in the body.
If I am able to access the energy stuff or open awareness, it becomes possible to dissolve that tension and let underlying feelings out.
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I don't have much else to say, but I benefitted from reading about your practice too!
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I should add, talking about it has become a bigger focus, too.
This is partly for my own benefit, as a sort of practice log, but also so that I learn what can and can't be communicated clearly.
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