I gradually start exploring. If there is tension, I do metta or mantras, then I pull up the rug.
Invariably the same thing underneath: really unpleasant feelings I didn't want to feel. So I feel them. It hurts, but the pain is temporary.
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What also happens a lot is that the feelings have needs, mostly "do this or that."
I do what I can to meet those needs. Frequently, this involves doing terrifying stuff. Confrontations w/huge risks, etc., but I do it. Tension lessens further.
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Now the process becomes autocatalytic. I start *doing what I want*. Mostly this turns out to be very good decisions, to my surprise.
It's the tension that produces most bad behaviour, conceited behaviour. Easy action feels kinder, wiser, and more courageous.
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I start recognizing most of my personality as an elaborate maze designed to avoid certain tense areas.
And now the tension is fading, those areas stop being no-go zones. The conditioning starts breaking down v. rapidly.
I get extremely emotional around here.
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When I say emotional, I mean my feelings get far more intense, but also... cleaner? Very salient, clear feelings.
There is suddenly a very obvious chain through input, reaction, action. My general responsiveness to my surroundings improves.
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This goes on for a while, then there is a lull. We are nearing present day.
Parts of my personality start shutting down. Patterns of reaction abruptly disappear. I keep catching myself *choosing deliberately*.
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This goes on until present day. The energy stuff starts coming back, but it's less sensations in the body, more drives to do things.
Ideas show up with a lot of momentum behind them before they've even fully gestated. I act v. spontaneously, in ways that make sense only later.
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And there is this very heightened sensitivity to everything. It's like I'm almost permanently "switched on", in a way I wasn't before.
I also have very little internal resistance. I want to do something, I do it.
(I used to procrastinate all the time.)
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This is where I'm at now. More and more I just act. There is very little think, very much do.
Lastly, fear is a bit different. I have a few things that scare me, but I have this weird urge to challenge it. I've started deliberately doing things that frighten me. And revel in it.
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Nah, just bog-standard cyclothymia. More than most, but comfortably subclinical.
Mostly triggered by drinking and insomnia, of which I rarely partake these days.
Thanks for your concern, though. :)
My grandparents on one side are alcoholics, and I suspect I have some genetic abnormalities there. Tend to get hypomanic phases after heavy drinking.
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