Love sensations turn inwards. I started having flashbacks. Times I was hurt, neglected, traumatized in some way. These feelings dissolve into the love.
Around this time, I develop a tendency to start dancing at random. Dancing and singing. Deep joy fills me when I do this.
Conversation
Then - strongly not recommended step, but it happened so I'll mention it - some very traumatic things happen to me.
Aftewards, I start getting rage, grief, fear. But I'm still in this state of deep emotional engagement. Horror sets in. I can't escape the feelings.
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But I realize something: the feelings have beginnings and ends. It sucks when they're there, but they're transient.
The real problem is the tension. When something needs to be felt to the end, but isn't, there is this massive tension in my body. All wrung up.
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I gradually start exploring. If there is tension, I do metta or mantras, then I pull up the rug.
Invariably the same thing underneath: really unpleasant feelings I didn't want to feel. So I feel them. It hurts, but the pain is temporary.
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What also happens a lot is that the feelings have needs, mostly "do this or that."
I do what I can to meet those needs. Frequently, this involves doing terrifying stuff. Confrontations w/huge risks, etc., but I do it. Tension lessens further.
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Now the process becomes autocatalytic. I start *doing what I want*. Mostly this turns out to be very good decisions, to my surprise.
It's the tension that produces most bad behaviour, conceited behaviour. Easy action feels kinder, wiser, and more courageous.
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Replying to
I know what you mean.
It's not quite the same but I've been poking at fear a lot since we last spoke and it turns out if I relax and stop resisting, my impulses and reactions are a lot more sensible.
Managing to let go of the freeze/flinch responses too.
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Replying to
Ha, yeah. The fear stuff is especially mental.
Like, I have this intense fear of heights. Bad vertigo, the works. And now I want to find a large boulder, climb it and then jump off!
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And I don't mean that in some machismo, look-how-tough-I'd-be sort of way. I just want it. Really badly.
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Replying to
Yeah! I've seen personal development training that does that kind of thing - firewalls and so on. It's not the hugest surprise that your
...brain? Body? Is pushing you in that direction.
You have to unlock first, which I'm just starting, though results are promising.
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Also have to say: I'd be fully immersed in pain and confusion, probably still to this day, if not for the grounding presence of metta.
I could barely function at times, at all. But channeling back into music, metta and dance helped keep me sane.