Then - strongly not recommended step, but it happened so I'll mention it - some very traumatic things happen to me.
Aftewards, I start getting rage, grief, fear. But I'm still in this state of deep emotional engagement. Horror sets in. I can't escape the feelings.
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But I realize something: the feelings have beginnings and ends. It sucks when they're there, but they're transient.
The real problem is the tension. When something needs to be felt to the end, but isn't, there is this massive tension in my body. All wrung up.
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I gradually start exploring. If there is tension, I do metta or mantras, then I pull up the rug.
Invariably the same thing underneath: really unpleasant feelings I didn't want to feel. So I feel them. It hurts, but the pain is temporary.
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What also happens a lot is that the feelings have needs, mostly "do this or that."
I do what I can to meet those needs. Frequently, this involves doing terrifying stuff. Confrontations w/huge risks, etc., but I do it. Tension lessens further.
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Now the process becomes autocatalytic. I start *doing what I want*. Mostly this turns out to be very good decisions, to my surprise.
It's the tension that produces most bad behaviour, conceited behaviour. Easy action feels kinder, wiser, and more courageous.
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I start recognizing most of my personality as an elaborate maze designed to avoid certain tense areas.
And now the tension is fading, those areas stop being no-go zones. The conditioning starts breaking down v. rapidly.
I get extremely emotional around here.
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When I say emotional, I mean my feelings get far more intense, but also... cleaner? Very salient, clear feelings.
There is suddenly a very obvious chain through input, reaction, action. My general responsiveness to my surroundings improves.
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This goes on for a while, then there is a lull. We are nearing present day.
Parts of my personality start shutting down. Patterns of reaction abruptly disappear. I keep catching myself *choosing deliberately*.
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This goes on until present day. The energy stuff starts coming back, but it's less sensations in the body, more drives to do things.
Ideas show up with a lot of momentum behind them before they've even fully gestated. I act v. spontaneously, in ways that make sense only later.
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And there is this very heightened sensitivity to everything. It's like I'm almost permanently "switched on", in a way I wasn't before.
I also have very little internal resistance. I want to do something, I do it.
(I used to procrastinate all the time.)
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This is where I'm at now. More and more I just act. There is very little think, very much do.
Lastly, fear is a bit different. I have a few things that scare me, but I have this weird urge to challenge it. I've started deliberately doing things that frighten me. And revel in it.
Three possibilities:
-Could get better
-Could get worse
-Could stay the same
The end-of-history illusion is "I used to have problems, but now I'm good." Life doesn't work that way. Take it easy, a'ight? Metta.
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Yeah, I still have pain and suffering. No ultimate end to problems. That seems pretty clear.
I think if anything this work is even less concerned with that than modern Buddhism.
More something about the inability to face those issues that is slipping over into competence.
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Nah, just bog-standard cyclothymia. More than most, but comfortably subclinical.
Mostly triggered by drinking and insomnia, of which I rarely partake these days.
Thanks for your concern, though. :)
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