Really strange to go from struggling to sustain effort to having a constantly growing will to do more.
The more I do, the more I want to do more. And it's unbelievably fun, but very taxing.
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Have you started doing something differently? I could really use a bit more of this.
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I just let that happen for a while, and I realized I could absorb myself totally in some activities.
Body now starts getting powerful urges to stretch, flex/relax muscles, make odd, sinuous movements seemingly at random.
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Then gradually metta, a practice that has never worked well for me before, starts working.
I am able to produce this powerful sensation of love in the body. It often arises spontaneously, especially when listening to Lana Del Rey?!?
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Love sensations turn inwards. I started having flashbacks. Times I was hurt, neglected, traumatized in some way. These feelings dissolve into the love.
Around this time, I develop a tendency to start dancing at random. Dancing and singing. Deep joy fills me when I do this.
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Then - strongly not recommended step, but it happened so I'll mention it - some very traumatic things happen to me.
Aftewards, I start getting rage, grief, fear. But I'm still in this state of deep emotional engagement. Horror sets in. I can't escape the feelings.
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But I realize something: the feelings have beginnings and ends. It sucks when they're there, but they're transient.
The real problem is the tension. When something needs to be felt to the end, but isn't, there is this massive tension in my body. All wrung up.
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I gradually start exploring. If there is tension, I do metta or mantras, then I pull up the rug.
Invariably the same thing underneath: really unpleasant feelings I didn't want to feel. So I feel them. It hurts, but the pain is temporary.
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What also happens a lot is that the feelings have needs, mostly "do this or that."
I do what I can to meet those needs. Frequently, this involves doing terrifying stuff. Confrontations w/huge risks, etc., but I do it. Tension lessens further.
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Now the process becomes autocatalytic. I start *doing what I want*. Mostly this turns out to be very good decisions, to my surprise.
It's the tension that produces most bad behaviour, conceited behaviour. Easy action feels kinder, wiser, and more courageous.
Replying to
I know what you mean.
It's not quite the same but I've been poking at fear a lot since we last spoke and it turns out if I relax and stop resisting, my impulses and reactions are a lot more sensible.
Managing to let go of the freeze/flinch responses too.
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Replying to
Ha, yeah. The fear stuff is especially mental.
Like, I have this intense fear of heights. Bad vertigo, the works. And now I want to find a large boulder, climb it and then jump off!
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I start recognizing most of my personality as an elaborate maze designed to avoid certain tense areas.
And now the tension is fading, those areas stop being no-go zones. The conditioning starts breaking down v. rapidly.
I get extremely emotional around here.
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When I say emotional, I mean my feelings get far more intense, but also... cleaner? Very salient, clear feelings.
There is suddenly a very obvious chain through input, reaction, action. My general responsiveness to my surroundings improves.
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