Weirdly enough, this seems to be a good indicator of relationship health as well.
If there is high strain on trust & boundaries, communication becomes more strained, ambiguous, lossy, due to caveats, conditionals and obfuscation.
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You can reverse this process, but it takes lots of work. Rebuilding mutual trust, updating toxic assumptions, encoding new language, establishing boundaries.
It's doable, given good faith, but not easy.
I think modern divorce rates reflect how undervalued these skills are.
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There is something incredibly perverse about the way we have taken so much autonomy from our kids, and this is also part of it.
We put them in day prison under authoritarians "for their own good," and now you'll even get sued for letting your kids run around unsupervised!
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You allow this panopticon to infect every aspect of your children's lives.
You rule their lives like some feudal overlord, or, if not that, tolerate other parents doing so in your presence.
Then you're surprised if your kids don't care about data theft, freedom of speech?
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A lot of people out there are really struggling just to have a conversation about their basic needs.
Why?
"Lunch at 12, no eating now!"
"What is THIS I found on your PC?"
"No more toilet breaks until after class!"
"You can't go out alone. And be back by five for homework!"
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I don't want to sound like I'm putting all the blame on parents, but if you understand you live in a sick society, you are responsible for how you respond to that.
If you collaborate with the coercive social control put on kids, you are failing to do your main job as a parent.
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In the same way as not feeding your kids is a fundamental failure, not protecting them to the greatest extent possible from degrading coercion is, too.
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Also makes me think of codependency, where parents are active agents in eroding their child's identity, though usually unknowingly
It's hard. They deserve anger and reproach, but often parents don't do harm out of malicious intent, but ignorance and personal weakness.
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It's the same with everyone, wrt. flaws.
Anger isn't about judgement, intrinsically. It's a self-defence tool. It's how you maintain boundaries.
So in a sense, the intent is irrelevant. The relevant question is whether you are using anger to defend from harm, or perpetuate it.
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If someone does you a harm, your anger should not be expressed equally in all cases. But it is right to be angry, even for misunderstanding.
This doesn't have to translate to violence in action, unless that is forced on you.
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