One odd thing about meditation and various attainments that come up, is that you often only fully appreciate your training in a crisis.
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I'd been getting waves of discomfort since last night about the sorry state of my dog back in Poland. (I'd share pics, but it's a bit gross.)
Then I just realized that, while those sensations come and go, I could just treat them like normal sensations. This cracked something.
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I suppose the thing that "cracked" had already been cracked for a while, and it took this to realize it, but I digress...
The realization is simple: pain is not a choice. Identifying with the pain, imbuing it with suffering that outlasts the feeling itself? That can be a choice.
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So it's been coming in waves. Heaviness around the eyes. A great weariness. Slower movements. Dark thoughts about the poor dog.
But it really only comes when it wants to. Otherwise, silence.
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At first I felt like I was doing something wrong. As in, by choosing not to weigh myself down with more suffering, I'm doing my dog disservice.
It's an appealing argument. She's a great dog. Far better than I deserve. But it's also bullshit.
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The only authentic things about this situation (subjectively) are the facts of it, my feelings (which come and go) and what I do.
Anything else is performance; playing a part in a game.
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Once you see things this way, it really becomes a sort of conceit to suffer extra. It stops being an authentic experience.
You can still sort of do it. But why, though?
I have never had that experience at this debt of feeling before. I've trained for it, but not seen it.
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Soldiers sometimes talk about never conceiving of killing another person until they're in the line of fire and the training kicks in.
This feels similar, if a bit less bestial.
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The funny thing is, once you've gone there, you can't really go back.
I'm left with the slightly discomfiting thought that, should I slip back into old habits, I can't really plead ignorance anymore.
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