One odd thing about meditation and various attainments that come up, is that you often only fully appreciate your training in a crisis.
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I'd been getting waves of discomfort since last night about the sorry state of my dog back in Poland. (I'd share pics, but it's a bit gross.)
Then I just realized that, while those sensations come and go, I could just treat them like normal sensations. This cracked something.
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I suppose the thing that "cracked" had already been cracked for a while, and it took this to realize it, but I digress...
The realization is simple: pain is not a choice. Identifying with the pain, imbuing it with suffering that outlasts the feeling itself? That can be a choice.
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So it's been coming in waves. Heaviness around the eyes. A great weariness. Slower movements. Dark thoughts about the poor dog.
But it really only comes when it wants to. Otherwise, silence.
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At first I felt like I was doing something wrong. As in, by choosing not to weigh myself down with more suffering, I'm doing my dog disservice.
It's an appealing argument. She's a great dog. Far better than I deserve. But it's also bullshit.
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The only authentic things about this situation (subjectively) are the facts of it, my feelings (which come and go) and what I do.
Anything else is performance; playing a part in a game.
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Once you see things this way, it really becomes a sort of conceit to suffer extra. It stops being an authentic experience.
You can still sort of do it. But why, though?
I have never had that experience at this debt of feeling before. I've trained for it, but not seen it.
Replying to
Soldiers sometimes talk about never conceiving of killing another person until they're in the line of fire and the training kicks in.
This feels similar, if a bit less bestial.
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The funny thing is, once you've gone there, you can't really go back.
I'm left with the slightly discomfiting thought that, should I slip back into old habits, I can't really plead ignorance anymore.
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