I think the global default good life script is something like... care about your family, care about your community, meet your obligations on those fronts, do a little extra for them if you like, get by, indulge in something you enjoy from time to time, don’t be a dick, die happy
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This is a sort of “basic life”, and if you live a good basic life that’s genuinely something to be proud of, IMO. There is so much cruelty and toxicity in the world - if you manage to avoid giving in to that, and you help someone out now and then, I love you and I’m proud of you
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Where I think all of this starts to get interesting is this:
Everyone has some script or set of beliefs about what is appropriate, what is good, what is right
And if you’re reading this, you are *certainly* going to run into people who have different scripts, different beliefs
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So for example, a person who believes that life should be small and unobtrusive might see another person living large, and accuse them of being “narcissistic”
Even though the second person might actually do more and care more for others than the first person ever does!
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And that isn’t necessarily “wrong” either; it’s just that different people have different models and different ideas about what is good and what is right and what is an “appropriate” way to be; we are all projecting from our experiences + received wisdom + reflections and so on
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A phrase I’ve found myself using repeatedly is “narcissists ruin self-love for the rest of us”- ie there *are* people who are troublingly self-obsessed + troublingly indifferent to the needs of others, and their actions & behaviors can unfortunately be contaminated by association
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I think the accusation of narcissism carries ostracizing undertones - ie “that guy is selfishly self-obsessed, ew, people like us don’t do things like that.”
And I think people in general, being social creatures, are wary of being ostracized. Which is quite rational
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So I’m increasingly convinced that people who are mean to themselves do it as a sort of anti-ostracization defense. Many people unfortunately apologise for promoting their own work &are wary of celebrating themselves lest they be ostracized as narcissists. (This is gendered, IMO)
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If you possess talents and abilities that you want to use in service of others, you will quite probably find yourself in the confusing position of having to advocate for yourself. Maybe run for office, maybe seek a leadership role. Take on more responsibility, influence outcomes
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It’s very easy to say “that guy is great, everyone should hear what he has to say.” It’s much more difficult to say “people should listen to me”.
And it’s interesting (& troubling) to consider how this social complication is a bottleneck that keeps out highly-qualified people
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Yeah. Many of the smartest people I know are hampered by an inability to navigate effectively around social dynamics.
It seems more common with conventional smarts (as in, high IQ, that whole cluster of stuff), where social alienation is a common, even inevitable, side-effect.
Especially disturbing is how only those also high in certain antisocial traits (machiavellianism etc.) seem to overcome that deftly.
For everyone else, it's a huge struggle. Some just give up.
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