All of this sounds kind of trivial to me now, and fair, it probably was.
But it was a really big hit to 15-me's confidence, and a lot of Stupid Shit I did later, because of insecurity, can probably be traced back to here.
Still have a lot of problems derived from that.
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Years later when I moved to Prague, it was a similar song and dance. I just chose not to care, and went anyway.
Probably the single best decision of my life, honestly. And supported by a very pitiful amount of Fuck You (but uh, still friends?) money.
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At 18, I had much more serious issues. I wanted to be an engineer, but needed to pass some exams first.
I got depressed months before and didn't put any study into the maths. Failed.
I wanted to get a short-term job and retake the exam, but my family all pushed for university.
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In my depressed logic of 'surely my own family knows better than my idiotic self', I relented and went to uni.
Spent the most miserable year of my life studying psychology, playing video games, bouncing bars and hanging out with complete assholes. Mostly the latter, really
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When I dropped out a year and a half later, I was 150000 kr in debt and had nothing to show for it except some really messed up habits.
I still have most of that original student loan of down payment today, although it's hardly a crushing loan, Norway being a civilizedish place.
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But there was also huge opportunity cost. Nearly a decade later, I am back on my bullshit of wanting to be an engineer.
Except I have pointless debt, a family to care for and a range of psychological issues I didn't have as a kid.
Not wasted years, exactly, but close enough.
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Realized recently that the big stall I had suffered in my meditation practice had to do with starting to dig around those emotions.
So much rage, frustration, sadness and grief at self-inflicted wounds. I didn't have the wherewithal to process that AND household. Needed a break.
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Replying to
This thread! Recently started grappling with how I failed to support and help myself for years. I wish I had been on my own side. I thought I could go through life pretending I had no needs and making my existence more convenient for others, but the personal toll grew too heavy.
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Have also run into underlying sadness with mindfulness and honestly I'm not sure what to do with it. Is it taking the time and patience to just sit with it? How are you processing that?
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Replying to
Well! I can sort of answer the mindfulness question, so will focus a bit on that.
Underlying emotion in general is a thing people run into all the time w/meditation. Many spiritual teachers don't cover it well enough, and a lot of psychologists for example seem totally unaware.
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Replying to
If the sadness interferes with your day to day life, therapy may be a good idea, if it's a safe, affordable option.
Less debilitating stuff, you can usually take as a meditation focus and do fine with. But "mindfulness" is a marketing term & can mean different practices, too.
Replying to
If you want a practice for it, you do this: you sit with the sadness and you let yourself feel all of it. Feel it in the body, think the thoughts that come up, feel any other strands of feeling it connects to.
But be aware this can bring up *other* unprocessed feelings, too.
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