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Cinder
@Triquetrea
Flying was off the table, for Reasons. So, being the eminently rational guy that I am, I struck upon an idea: I could just bike there, pitching a tent near the road and such. Norway is basically a long stretch of mountains, forests and coastline with the odd house in between.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
But of course, this is still perfectly manageable and even my idiot self could no doubt have figured it out. Only there was another problem: my entire family thought this idea was absolutely bonkers. Maybe it was. Like I gave a shit.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
But faced with rather than offers of material or emotional support, just lots of more or less ridiculous concern trolling, I eventually relented. Didn't have the perseverance to follow through, even though nobody was really, actually stopping me.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
All of this sounds kind of trivial to me now, and fair, it probably was. But it was a really big hit to 15-me's confidence, and a lot of Stupid Shit I did later, because of insecurity, can probably be traced back to here. Still have a lot of problems derived from that.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
Years later when I moved to Prague, it was a similar song and dance. I just chose not to care, and went anyway. Probably the single best decision of my life, honestly. And supported by a very pitiful amount of Fuck You (but uh, still friends?) money.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
At 18, I had much more serious issues. I wanted to be an engineer, but needed to pass some exams first. I got depressed months before and didn't put any study into the maths. Failed. I wanted to get a short-term job and retake the exam, but my family all pushed for university.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
In my depressed logic of 'surely my own family knows better than my idiotic self', I relented and went to uni. Spent the most miserable year of my life studying psychology, playing video games, bouncing bars and hanging out with complete assholes. Mostly the latter, really
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
When I dropped out a year and a half later, I was 150000 kr in debt and had nothing to show for it except some really messed up habits. I still have most of that original student loan of down payment today, although it's hardly a crushing loan, Norway being a civilizedish place.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
But there was also huge opportunity cost. Nearly a decade later, I am back on my bullshit of wanting to be an engineer. Except I have pointless debt, a family to care for and a range of psychological issues I didn't have as a kid. Not wasted years, exactly, but close enough.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
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@Triquetrea
Realized recently that the big stall I had suffered in my meditation practice had to do with starting to dig around those emotions. So much rage, frustration, sadness and grief at self-inflicted wounds. I didn't have the wherewithal to process that AND household. Needed a break.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
Much abuse is not nearly as damaging as the contortions we make to bend ourselves into shapes others want us in. I should know. Had plenty of experience with both in my short life.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
I suppose the upside is I never had to go through doubt and regret over whether or not it was right to go my own way. I learned the costs of not doing so first, THEN finally figured out how to do it. That has been a relief, many times.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
So it's funny and weird to remember that most people I know are still at exhibit A about this, where I was years ago: "Oh, Sindre? Yeah, he's a bit crazy." And here I am, living very ordinarily and uneventfully inside what other people have branded some sort of Twilight Zone.
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Cinder
@Triquetrea
Anyway, compared with the earlier thread, this was all a bit stream of consciousness and high-on-my-own-bullshitty self-indulgence. Sorry about the conceit. Probably a side-effect of self-medicating on sugary stuff most of the day. Stomach bugs are annoying.