All I did was to decide, at 20, that I'd had enough of caring what was expected of me, and would just do what seemed right to me, and then do it.
It takes a lot of conscious empathy for me to remember that this is not considered normal. I can barely imagine living differently.
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The real regret is not having the courage to do this at 15.
That's when I really realized that meeting expectations in bigger picture life decisions is just internalized social control.
But not going with the flow was a lot more challenging than simply picking up that insight.
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Lot more to say about this, but it's time to get back to work. Hopefully I'll still remember in a couple of hours.
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Uh, guess I did forget about this thread for a while. Got a stomach bug. Shit sucks... wait, nevermind.
So, where was I?
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Turns out, not having the courage of your convictions can be a really costly problem, both personally and financially.
As in, don't do it. Especially not if you're going to change your mind later and do what you feel is right, because honestly, why wouldn't you?
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Flying was off the table, for Reasons.
So, being the eminently rational guy that I am, I struck upon an idea: I could just bike there, pitching a tent near the road and such.
Norway is basically a long stretch of mountains, forests and coastline with the odd house in between.
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But of course, this is still perfectly manageable and even my idiot self could no doubt have figured it out.
Only there was another problem: my entire family thought this idea was absolutely bonkers. Maybe it was. Like I gave a shit.
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But faced with rather than offers of material or emotional support, just lots of more or less ridiculous concern trolling, I eventually relented.
Didn't have the perseverance to follow through, even though nobody was really, actually stopping me.
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All of this sounds kind of trivial to me now, and fair, it probably was.
But it was a really big hit to 15-me's confidence, and a lot of Stupid Shit I did later, because of insecurity, can probably be traced back to here.
Still have a lot of problems derived from that.
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Years later when I moved to Prague, it was a similar song and dance. I just chose not to care, and went anyway.
Probably the single best decision of my life, honestly. And supported by a very pitiful amount of Fuck You (but uh, still friends?) money.
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At 18, I had much more serious issues. I wanted to be an engineer, but needed to pass some exams first.
I got depressed months before and didn't put any study into the maths. Failed.
I wanted to get a short-term job and retake the exam, but my family all pushed for university.
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In my depressed logic of 'surely my own family knows better than my idiotic self', I relented and went to uni.
Spent the most miserable year of my life studying psychology, playing video games, bouncing bars and hanging out with complete assholes. Mostly the latter, really
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When I dropped out a year and a half later, I was 150000 kr in debt and had nothing to show for it except some really messed up habits.
I still have most of that original student loan of down payment today, although it's hardly a crushing loan, Norway being a civilizedish place.
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But there was also huge opportunity cost. Nearly a decade later, I am back on my bullshit of wanting to be an engineer.
Except I have pointless debt, a family to care for and a range of psychological issues I didn't have as a kid.
Not wasted years, exactly, but close enough.
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Realized recently that the big stall I had suffered in my meditation practice had to do with starting to dig around those emotions.
So much rage, frustration, sadness and grief at self-inflicted wounds. I didn't have the wherewithal to process that AND household. Needed a break.
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Much abuse is not nearly as damaging as the contortions we make to bend ourselves into shapes others want us in.
I should know. Had plenty of experience with both in my short life.
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I suppose the upside is I never had to go through doubt and regret over whether or not it was right to go my own way.
I learned the costs of not doing so first, THEN finally figured out how to do it. That has been a relief, many times.
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So it's funny and weird to remember that most people I know are still at exhibit A about this, where I was years ago:
"Oh, Sindre? Yeah, he's a bit crazy."
And here I am, living very ordinarily and uneventfully inside what other people have branded some sort of Twilight Zone.
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Anyway, compared with the earlier thread, this was all a bit stream of consciousness and high-on-my-own-bullshitty self-indulgence. Sorry about the conceit.
Probably a side-effect of self-medicating on sugary stuff most of the day. Stomach bugs are annoying.