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yeah, I wonder. I just don't find a self anywhere. It feels normal and even kind of boring to me. Almost disappointing. "Oh, this is it?"

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(This reply feels like it went to a slightly different tweet than the target?) Yeah, like that. But not finding the self is not the same as not looking for it, which is when the perception really seems to shift.

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I can go around all day observing that whatever is "me", isn't. Nothing much will happen, except I'll probably be a bit sharper. But when something that is attending to or looking for this "me" stops, it all collapses into waves or bits or a number of other, transient phenomena.

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And then a few seconds, minutes, hours pass and the habit of looking/attending starts up again.

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I'm not sure what you mean by stopping looking. Does your attention stop moving to objects? Or do you stop looking for a self at all?

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Latter. My attention tends to get pretty excessively preoccupied with objects in the environment or other sensations, because they feel 100% different.

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When I'm selfing heavily (lost to thoughts, stereotyped behavior, emotion), the world feels very constrained, tight. When it disappears, it gains a strong sense of dimensionality, that is yet very fluid. Staring at something far away, my world grows. Close to a wall, it shrinks.

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There isn't really any sense of being locked to anything. My perception constantly changes vectors. Attending to sensations around the eyes, the world gets a weird downward slant (if looking ahead). Attending to back tension, it balloons backwards... Etc.

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Often this effect ends when something blows my mind a bit and I get preoccupied, lost in something specific. E.g. there is a kilometers-long main street in this town. I was walking down it and it looked like one of those street-warping scenes in Inception - warping as I looked.

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hrrrm. Yeah, I dunno. I have little to no sense of self most of the time, but it's been very boring and pedestrian. Guess I read too much awakening-porn or something.

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I keep hearing hints that I'm simply messing up the technique or misapprehending something. I should have all the perceptual gearing that is supposed to throw you through the trapdoor, but somehow I keep walking around it.

9:43 PM · Oct 17, 2018Twitter Web Client

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oh, I dunno. Not sure that's the case. I have no idea. You could be further along than I am, or on a different road, or... yeah, who knows. Probably spending a few weeks on retreat on this stuff would shove you thru, if the door's there, which I'm guessing it is.

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Most prep work I did years ago was in (poorly understood) Zen and Theravada. Spent some time chatting with Arhats and Roshis now. Feel it's time to apply the training properly. But part of that is supposed to be "get a clear idea of what you're doing" & "raise energy", so...

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