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Seems pretty useless to meditate much (aiming for real results) if one is very anxious or depressed. Sort of like running with mononucleosis. I've spent months in a rut, and now that I'm slowly just feeling better in general, my baseline keeps improving with minimal effort.

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I was having a conversation with

@chagmed

this morning, and I expressed that - in a current state of lower mood, generally - I'm torn on mood regulation/meditaiton, I often express strong skepticism, but I also credit it with saving my life.

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primarily for the reason that (depending on technique, etc) it can shred through the chain of narratives which massively perpetuate and exacerbate mood stuff. eg: suicidal ideation goes from being a massive problem to no problem at all.

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That's true. I had issues like that before. Not really anymore.

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If I may: has your awakening impacted your mood regulation, and how you relate to mood fluctuations? Any impact +/-?

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Massive impact. Took a long time to even start seeing what that impact was. That's probably something deserving of multiple pages, if I were to *really* get into it, but I can give you a shortened version until I feel comfortable writing long form again.

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Whatever you feel like sharing would be appreciated.

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I feel like sharing everything, but I've felt greatly inhibited in my writing after I tried to go back to it and it got caught up in... ... well, got caught up in the stuff you're asking about, actually. Let's see.

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First, let's note that I used to be very emotionally inhibited. My mother was abused as a child, and my father most likely has undiagnosed Asperger's. They're both good people, and did their best raising me, but the emotional side was often compromised in very damaging ways.

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I've always been quick to anger, but for years I just... wouldn't get angry. People are often accused of throwing up anger to disguise fear, but for me it was the opposite: I'd get scared to avoid getting angry. Anger got me into bad situations at home.

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After my real awakenings started, I suddenly started feeling angry again. It would just appear, like lightning. A woman once told me the story of how as a child, she was taught not to cry. When in her teens she learned it was OK, at first she'd cry all the time. This? Like that.

9:22 AM · Sep 26, 2018Twitter Web Client

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Then it turned out because I was avoiding anger, I was also avoiding a whole cluster of other feelings that would provoke anger. Sad because I felt like someone had let me down? Numb that. Frightened because I was asked to clean up someone else's mess? Avoid.

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I don't know if you do any fishing. I used to do that as a kid. If you get the hook tangled, say in some reeds, sometimes it just disappears. Other times, you have to struggle endlessly until eventually, the entire damned cluster of shit emerges from the water. This? Like that.

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