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Seems pretty useless to meditate much (aiming for real results) if one is very anxious or depressed. Sort of like running with mononucleosis. I've spent months in a rut, and now that I'm slowly just feeling better in general, my baseline keeps improving with minimal effort.

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I was having a conversation with

this morning, and I expressed that - in a current state of lower mood, generally - I'm torn on mood regulation/meditaiton, I often express strong skepticism, but I also credit it with saving my life.

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primarily for the reason that (depending on technique, etc) it can shred through the chain of narratives which massively perpetuate and exacerbate mood stuff. eg: suicidal ideation goes from being a massive problem to no problem at all.

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That's true. I had issues like that before. Not really anymore.

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If I may: has your awakening impacted your mood regulation, and how you relate to mood fluctuations? Any impact +/-?

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Massive impact. Took a long time to even start seeing what that impact was. That's probably something deserving of multiple pages, if I were to *really* get into it, but I can give you a shortened version until I feel comfortable writing long form again.

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Whatever you feel like sharing would be appreciated.

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I feel like sharing everything, but I've felt greatly inhibited in my writing after I tried to go back to it and it got caught up in... ... well, got caught up in the stuff you're asking about, actually. Let's see.

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First, let's note that I used to be very emotionally inhibited. My mother was abused as a child, and my father most likely has undiagnosed Asperger's. They're both good people, and did their best raising me, but the emotional side was often compromised in very damaging ways.

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I've always been quick to anger, but for years I just... wouldn't get angry. People are often accused of throwing up anger to disguise fear, but for me it was the opposite: I'd get scared to avoid getting angry. Anger got me into bad situations at home.

9:19 AM · Sep 26, 2018Twitter Web Client

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After my real awakenings started, I suddenly started feeling angry again. It would just appear, like lightning. A woman once told me the story of how as a child, she was taught not to cry. When in her teens she learned it was OK, at first she'd cry all the time. This? Like that.

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Then it turned out because I was avoiding anger, I was also avoiding a whole cluster of other feelings that would provoke anger. Sad because I felt like someone had let me down? Numb that. Frightened because I was asked to clean up someone else's mess? Avoid.

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