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I got very far, got punted back in a very vicious way, and am now just moving back into the hardcore meditation stuff. The higher states with a fucked up psyche lead to all sorts of nasty shit.

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Yeah. Exactly. This is also why I stopped seeking out frequent feedback. Right now, I just want to increase my baseline competence, by a lot. Probably also going to go through some therapy. Have a feeling that my anger issues will only get worse if I don't address them fully.

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therapy may fix anger faster and more pleasantly than spiritual practice. Might not too, but the point is to fix it. I've lost /most/ of mine, but the process took 3 1/2 years and was ugly as hell.

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It's proving even harder to deal with because I've started to get some sense of how useful it can be. Being able to defend myself, and those I care about? Hell yes! Doesn't mean it's always merited by the situation that triggers it, though. And when it isn't, it's dangerous.

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Yes. The point is to not be controlled by it. It should be a choice, a servant, not a slave. And because it is toxic to be angry for long periods, it must be used only for brief periods.

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and

what makes pain bad is mostly caring. If you don't care, it isn't much of a problem. This isn't theoretical, I've had the state, i just can't reliably induce it, alas. There also seem to be other routes.

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Ironically one thing that anger helps with. I've been scared enough to run and hide, sad enough to die, and angry enough not to care. More than once. (Yes, I know, not a sensible path - just saying.)

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Yeah. There was a Zen warrior Japanese guy whose name I forget and he made the point that if you use another emotion to defeat, say fear, you've got nothing if that other emotion fails you. To him, as both a Zennie & warrior, that was unacceptable.