Yeah, I came at that particular problem from my own cyclothymic baseline.
I have periods where suffering is an overwhelming constant and I wish only for its end, and periods where it feels hardly relevant at all.
Over time, that both damages and immunizes you.
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I fully understand why some people come to Buddhism looking for an end to suffering. That was my own start.
At this point, my own attitude has drifted towards something like "who cares about suffering? figuring out how to live is where it's at."
Maybe not better, but different.
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Sure. The most important thing is knowing what you're trying to get. If you aren't trying to end suffering, then...
Me, I'd still like something fairly close to an end to suffering, because without I don't much see any point in living.
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Fair.
So, I want to be more competent at doing what I want to do, and more competent at not harming others.
Contemplative techniques revealed to me some rather unsavoury sides to my character. For the moment, I just want those under control.
Then we can see about suffering.
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And, generally speaking, that is what the main paths say. First fix your morality/character, then head on to the deeper stuff.
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Yeah. It's good advice.
I ignored it, got very good at the insight stuff - and then it basically punted me all the way back to "fix your shit, dude."
I was probably lucky. Some people continue right off the map from there. I've even seen it happen to people I know.
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I got very far, got punted back in a very vicious way, and am now just moving back into the hardcore meditation stuff. The higher states with a fucked up psyche lead to all sorts of nasty shit.
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Yeah. Exactly.
This is also why I stopped seeking out frequent feedback. Right now, I just want to increase my baseline competence, by a lot.
Probably also going to go through some therapy. Have a feeling that my anger issues will only get worse if I don't address them fully.
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therapy may fix anger faster and more pleasantly than spiritual practice. Might not too, but the point is to fix it. I've lost /most/ of mine, but the process took 3 1/2 years and was ugly as hell.
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It's proving even harder to deal with because I've started to get some sense of how useful it can be.
Being able to defend myself, and those I care about? Hell yes!
Doesn't mean it's always merited by the situation that triggers it, though. And when it isn't, it's dangerous.
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This may just be a fear response, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm not in that cohort of hyperaggressive men who need extra care.
There were certainly enough signs of that during my childhood. Might be why my parents mishandled it so badly.
All the more reason to get therapy.
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Might be. Just do your due diligence on the therapist. Therapy is highly dependent on practitioner skill. It is still an art, not a scientist.
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I know. I had a shitty therapist before (was too young to know better). Not going to repeat that mistake for any length of time.