Travis Ekbom  💣

I was never a problem drunk, I never passed out somewhere weird or got into drunken fights. I'd usually wait until after dinner to start drinking... but I'd also drink alone. After the family went to bed I'd usually stay up later just to have a couple more drinks.

My house was the party house because then I could drink more without having to worry about getting home. And I would drink far more than people would realize, both alone and at parties. Part of being able to hold your booze so well is the ability to lie about how many you've had.

I'd make sure to get rid of empties and usually drink the same beer through stretches... that way no one could keep track of how many I had. Drinking, specifically "craft beer" is considered a hobby so I was able to slip right into an "enthusiast" role and no one batted an eye.

Along those same lines, I would go stretches without drinking. I'd make little deals with myself: "I won't drink Wednesday or Thursday... then I can drink all I want over the weekend". I even went an entire year sober to prove to myself that I didn't have a problem....

... but what got me through that year was a secret in the back of my head, that it meant I could drink as much as I wanted after. Drinking, getting drunk was always part of my plans. Getting drunk was controlling my life in a way that I'm just now starting to understand.

This is all stuff that I figured out in hindsight, that's part of the disease. The craving, the wanting, the deceit, even lying to myself was all done unconsciously, naturally. But looking back, large cuts of my life started to become defined by when and how much I could drink

I don't want any of this to sour you on older BoTW episodes, I still re-watch them and think they're very funny and I had a lot of fun making them. And really, some of my favorites I already did sober... I can't believe I got through "Ryan's Babe" without a drink.

This year, specifically 2020, has been difficult. There were nights that I thought about having a few beers just so I could sleep. But the hardest part for me is already over, admitting that I have a problem. Once I started saying it out loud to people, everything became easier.