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Prikvačeni tweet
Parenthood should come with a safe word for when you’ve had about all you can handle.
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
3 year old threw herself across her dad’s lap. Her face was covered in peanut butter and she kept yelling “I WANNA COLOR.” Then she cried. Then she wanted a hug. Then she took off her shirt and yelled about how hot it was. Who needs drunken nights out when you’ve got toddlers?
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
Me: **texting friend** “Wanna catch up later?” Autocorrect: **knowing me better than I know myself** “Wanna carb up later?”
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
“Medicinal” can take many forms, including the tone of voice I use with your children.
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
Wives: Football season is finally over. Thank God! XFL: Surprise, Bitch!
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My five-year-old’s synopsis of the halftime show: “Two girls. On the stage. Shaking their booties at the same time.”
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
Friend: I need some advice Me with olives on all of my fingers: You’ve come to the right place
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
What I miss most about being a child is getting praise for cleaning up my own mess.
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Regardless of which team you are cheering for today, I think we can all agree that the real hero is the person who invented the spinach dip bread bowl.
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
Before kids: tits are fluffy buttermilk pancakes After kids: tits are those flat sad pancakes you forget to put baking powder in but they’re still fine I guess if you like pancakes a lot
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever been to McDonald’s and their ice cream machine is working?
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
The 5 seconds after paying with cash and waiting for two cents change is the longest, most awkward 5 seconds.
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
A toddler’s sense of time is strange. Mine hasn’t eaten in “a year” But her birthday is in “a minute”
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
Other moms' small talk: "So what are your spring break plans?" My small talk: "You ever feel like you're fucking up your kids?"
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
Me: “it’s the weekend, do you want to go do something fun tonight?” Child: “like watch a show and eat cake?” Me: “Yes. Exactly.”
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
About to empty my kid's lunchbox: Don't eat their scraps Don't eat their scraps Don't eat their scraps Opens lunchbox: Oh look, half a waffle!
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
It’s really fucking weird that a “good parent” is defined as a person whose kids don’t really act like kids.
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
My house is where plants, organization, matched socks, folded fitted sheets, and sanity all come to die.
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
The Lesson I Learned Today: Nothing else smells like a rotting banana. So, if you get into your car and you smell a rotting banana, there is a 100% chance that there’s a rotting banana in your car.
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Tortured by Toddlers proslijedio/la je Tweet
A large part of Motherhood is just preparing your husband for if you die. - You can never bring too many snacks! - Make sure you don’t feed them frozen food EVERY day. - Tell them to brush their teeth. - Don’t marry a Whore! Pick someone nice.
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