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  1. Prikvačeni tweet

    Parenthood should come with a safe word for when you’ve had about all you can handle.

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. velj

    3 year old threw herself across her dad’s lap. Her face was covered in peanut butter and she kept yelling “I WANNA COLOR.” Then she cried. Then she wanted a hug. Then she took off her shirt and yelled about how hot it was. Who needs drunken nights out when you’ve got toddlers?

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. velj

    Me: **texting friend** “Wanna catch up later?” Autocorrect: **knowing me better than I know myself** “Wanna carb up later?”

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. velj

    “Medicinal” can take many forms, including the tone of voice I use with your children.

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  5. 3. velj

    Wives: Football season is finally over. Thank God! XFL: Surprise, Bitch!

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  6. 3. velj

    My five-year-old’s synopsis of the halftime show: “Two girls. On the stage. Shaking their booties at the same time.”

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    Friend: I need some advice Me with olives on all of my fingers: You’ve come to the right place

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    What I miss most about being a child is getting praise for cleaning up my own mess.

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  10. 2. velj

    Regardless of which team you are cheering for today, I think we can all agree that the real hero is the person who invented the spinach dip bread bowl.

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    Before kids: tits are fluffy buttermilk pancakes After kids: tits are those flat sad pancakes you forget to put baking powder in but they’re still fine I guess if you like pancakes a lot

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    Yeah sex is great, but have you ever been to McDonald’s and their ice cream machine is working?

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    31. sij

    The 5 seconds after paying with cash and waiting for two cents change is the longest, most awkward 5 seconds.

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    A toddler’s sense of time is strange. Mine hasn’t eaten in “a year” But her birthday is in “a minute”

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    Other moms' small talk: "So what are your spring break plans?" My small talk: "You ever feel like you're fucking up your kids?"

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Me: “it’s the weekend, do you want to go do something fun tonight?” Child: “like watch a show and eat cake?” Me: “Yes. Exactly.”

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    About to empty my kid's lunchbox: Don't eat their scraps Don't eat their scraps Don't eat their scraps Opens lunchbox: Oh look, half a waffle!

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    It’s really fucking weird that a “good parent” is defined as a person whose kids don’t really act like kids.

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    My house is where plants, organization, matched socks, folded fitted sheets, and sanity all come to die.

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    The Lesson I Learned Today: Nothing else smells like a rotting banana. So, if you get into your car and you smell a rotting banana, there is a 100% chance that there’s a rotting banana in your car.

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    28. sij

    A large part of Motherhood is just preparing your husband for if you die. - You can never bring too many snacks! - Make sure you don’t feed them frozen food EVERY day. - Tell them to brush their teeth. - Don’t marry a Whore! Pick someone nice.

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