There's only two people I've ever fully trusted in my life and both of them were Tom Hanks
Nick Toplass
@TitaniumToplass
I fell 5 stories once. Residual effects? Just cynicism, sarcastic tendencies, a delusional superiority complex, & an abnormal fear of balconies. Nothing major
Vancouver, B.CJoined April 2009
Nick Toplass’s Tweets
Back in my day we had to walk 30 miles each way to school & "walk" meant fight & "miles" were bears & "school" was just a fire we stood in
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It's my cat, Mowgli's, birthday but he doesn't seem to be celebrating for some reason
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Life is great. Not my life, but other life.
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Sorry I yelled "SPOILER ALERT!" when you told us grandma had six months to live :(
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Scientists announced today that I am their friend and they like me
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Built a birdhouse but I live in a prime location & a young professional was willing to pay rent to wear it as a shelter-helmet. Sorry birds
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This is what a World Series Winning throw looks like
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1st time watching baseball: guys were playing Hot Potato when a mean guy just hit it with a stick & ran off. Everyone was like "our potato!"
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Mathematicians at MIT decided that no number exists for how many times I've dropped my phone on my own face. "It's just so many" cried one.
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Business ideas:
• Cold Air Balloon Rides.
• Hats for Deaf People.
• Pro-Dandruff Shampoo.
• Babysitting but for Sharks.
• Rock Rentals.
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*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
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The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was that time he put Skittles in M&Ms bags & giggled uncontrollably as people were mildly shocked
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Replying to
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My parrot died today. Its last words were, "Fuck, I think my parrot is about to die."
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Me: Do you ever stick balloons over your hands because it's fun?
Her: No?
Me: YA! Oh. Me not too *keeps hands in pockets for rest of date*
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One time I went to toss a Frisbee but my watch got caught on my belt during the wind up & I ended up throwing myself across a field
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If a shark is ever attacking me I'm gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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How to make scrambled eggs:
1) Get eggs.
2) Scramble eggs.
3) Watch your back, chicken families are vengeful.
4) Add some cheese maybe?
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*petting some mega cute dogs at the park*
This is the best day
*approached by a greyhound*
GET AWAY FROM US HAUNTED SKELETON DOG
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They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.
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Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Me: Not understanding 50% of questions.
Interviewer: Oh, & your greatest strength?
Me: Carrot
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom
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Finally found out what the battery letters stand for:
A- Alkaline
AA- Another Alkaline
AAA- Another Alkaline Again
C- Chadpower
D- Dzzz
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: OR DID YOU *smoke bomb* *smoke clears, I'm visibly distressed & tangled up in my seatbelt* ..speeding?
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Kinda hard to believe before planes were invented people just sat at airports for thousands of years & couldn't go anywhere
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Me: So cool how I can set Autopilot on my Tesla & it takes my kids straight to school.
Friend: you don't have kids or a Tesla?
Me: OMG brb
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The best accessory to any outfit is a positive outlook on life.
Just kidding, it's a Falcon shaped belt buckle.
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Napoleon asked his troops to walk over mountains & die & they were all "Ok" but my Boss asks me to reply to an email & I'm like ughh I dunno
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We should ask candidates better questions like will Firefly ever have a 2nd season & how much money does my neighbor make & what's marmalade
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Car Salesman: *slaps roof of car* this bad boy can fit so much fucking spaghetti in it
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How many licks does it take to get to the centre of my fear of intimacy
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Well, I've got good news & I've got Brad news.
"What's the Brad news?"
Calculators are on sale at Staples. Tell all the Brads you know.
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Me doing a TED Talk: Did you know you can eat Lego?
Audience: No you can't.
Me: Uh oh *quickly skips 320 PowerPoint slides on eating Lego*
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The worst part of meetings is that moment when I have to quickly get myself fired before it's my turn to talk so anxiety can't kill me
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If Trump was on The Bachelorette all other guys would get a rose & he'd be standing there holding a raccoon like what you gave me this I win
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Wish Tinder had a 3rd option to swipe up for people you don't like but still want to ask if they've seen that show on Netflix yet is it good
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