Alright apparently you jabronis were too distracted by my mental health to notice I dropped a major nugget of knowledge the other day. IN 1983 SOMEONE STOLE JESUS'S FORESKIN. Now let me tell you the whole story.
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I've seen Jesus's alleged foreskin. It was gross. Don't google image search "holy prepuce." Let's discuss some obvious puzzles in this story. How did Jesus's foreskin last so many years? Well, according to lore, an angel came down from the heavens and told the mohel (that's the
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the guy who performs the bris. It's literally Hebrew for circumciser") and told him to preserve the foreskin in an alabaster box filled with oil, and to not sell it. The bro told his son not to sell it. Guess who sold it. Spoiler alert: it was the son. He sold it for 300 pence.
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Who did he sell it to? No clue. But let's jump ahead a bit. Jesus is an adult now. He's eating dinner and his friend Mary Magdalene puts her hair in oil and washes his feet with her hair. First of all, wetting your hair with oil and washing people's feet is weird as hell.
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But let's reflect on something. Remember how the foreskin was kept in an alabaster box filled with oil? Guess where the oil Mary Magdalene used to wash Jesus's feet came from? Yup. It was THAT alabaster box. While putting oil in your hair and whipping it around like...
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...you're god damn Willow Smith and cleaning people's feet is one thing. Dipping your hair in oil and washing a person's feet while getting the oil from an alabaster box contains the foreskin of the person whose feet you're washing is even weirder. It's fucking strange.
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Not a lot is known about the foreskin after that. But Charlemagne gifted it to Pope Leo III in the 500's, arguably the worse birthday present ever (note: I do not know if this was a birthday present or not).
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Imagine you are Jesus and yo gurl Mary Magdalene is washing your feet with her hair & you're like "aight cool mad respects" because maybe that was normal in Biblical times. And then you look down & see your foreskin is floating around in the alabaster box she is getting oil from
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I do hope they find Jesus’s foreskin someday. Shine on you crazy Catholics.
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End of conversation
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