Tweets
- Tweets
- Tweets & replies
- Photos & videos
As a kid I announced I was gonna grow up to be President then I tried beer and was like "YUM, I'll just do this instead."
I just bought my first Apple product. This is how Luke must of felt when he had his hand replaced.
The only thing missing from 'Guardians of the Galaxy' was Samuel L. Jackson shouting "GUARDIANS OF THE MUTHAFUCKIN' GALAXY!!" #GOTG
"Stop racing up the stairs. This is no longer a race. There are no winners. You're both losers." - Me, not at my fatherly best
A camouflage outfit but in the pattern of my couch so I'm hidden from my kids while I nap.
If I gave my boys a superlative it'd be... "Most likely to dial 911 b/c I was in the bathroom when their DVR'd episode of Octonauts ended."
I was going to make breakfast but then I found pie.
How early is to early to order pizza for my kids for breakfast?
There isn't much difference between picking a paint color vs picking a horse at the track.#ComeOnCustardCreme
I put a pencil behind my ear and my 4yo said I looked just like Handy Mandy. Little fuckin' racist...
Relaxing family vacation. Pick two.
Something I wrote about the Redskin name change debate back in September. Seemed like a good time to repost. http://5rto.wordpress.com/2013/09/27/redskins-racism-coelacanths/ …
If you can tell the difference between Custard Cream and Providence Cream my wife would like your opinion on something.
You know how some people will say "It's 5 o'clock somewhere"? Tonight I came up with a new one called "GIMMEALLTHEWINENOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!!"
"That's a negative, Ghostrider. The pattern is fat." - Me... ...in front of the mirror ...while trying on shorts I haven't worn in a year.
MOTHERFUCKING GIANTS ON MOTHERFUCKING MAMMOTHS!! #GoT
Eating smores with a beard is equal parts absurdity and awesomeness.
Whenever my 4yo mentions anything about "zombies" I can feel my wife glare at me with the intensity of a thousand suns.
Weird Carcetti accent time.
Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup.
Visit Twitter Status for more information.